As if my heart wasn't already broken, apparently I felt the need to crush it into tiny little fragments so that it could never be sewn back together again. Ugh.
I started our Shutterfly photo book of our summer tonight - bad idea. Bad, bad, bad idea.
Let's just start by saying this was the BEST summer of my entire life. The summer before my junior year of high school, I spent every day with a girl named Lauren, and I also started getting to know Nick - some really great guy who ended up thinking I was alright, too. Lauren and I used to change the lyrics of "summer of '69" to "summer before '05" because we declared it the BEST. SUMMER. EVER. None of the lyrics really applied other than it being the best days of our lives ... but #teenagers. At the time, I really didn't think it could get much better than that. And then it did.
Last summer was pretty great. It was our first summer with Eliana. She was tiny and sweet and slept at the park and went along with all our adventures without much fussing. I was busy figuring out the ropes of being a mom of two and what that meant for naps and feedings and being responsible for keeping TWO humans alive. Most days I just tried to figure out how to get out of the house without some major crisis or explosion.. still, it was pretty great.
Eliana seems to think "great" might be an overstatement. Her face is pretty similar to what mine has looked like that past few nights.
But this summer? I can literally smell the sunscreen, feel the gritty sand beneath my feet, and taste the s'more please ice cream when I close my eyes. (**Have you had s'more please ice cream? Please do NOT let summer slip by without finishing at least 3 cartons.**) I am so certain that someday when I look back on the years I spent raising kiddos, this summer will top the charts. It makes me a tiny bit sad they won't remember ANY of it, but I hope the adventures we continue to find as they grow are etched in their tiny souls and bring nothing but laughter and joy. I hope the pictures and videos we took take them back to the thrill of waves nearly knocking them to the ground, the taste of melted marshmallows and chocolate oozing from a graham cracker, the sound of giggles echoing as they swung back and forth and raced down the slides, and the warmth of a sunny day beating down on their sweet little faces.
Trice has requested we make a paper chain countdown to school tomorrow. He's been asking for awhile, but I couldn't bring myself to do it just yet .. or maybe I had to muster up the patience to watch him sloooowwwly cut out that many strips and glue them together with 800 drops of glue per strip. Either way, it's happening. He's counting down the days with excitement, and I'm counting down the days with the biggest lump in my throat. I'm so sad I could puke.. I'm not sure if that's a thing, but my body aches at the thought of saying goodbye to the past few months .. the thought of him growing, of Eliana growing, of life with littles passing by so quickly.
So when you see me at the open house and I can't even form a sentence without a stream of tears falling, or when I linger in the hallway at drop off on the first day debating whether I can ACTUALLY leave half of my heart for 3 whole hours, or when I type the billionth sappy status about how I just can't believe summer is over and my baby is going to school - just know that I'm not ONLY in denial that my little boy is old enough to spread his wings, but I'm also saying goodbye to endless days of the three of us together and the carefree life we have lived for four years.
I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll make that paper chain countdown, and I'll still be in denial we are actually counting down until the end of this memorable summer and the beginning of a new chapter I fear will fly by in the blink of an eye. I'll do it with a smile because I know that he doesn't get it. He won't get it. Not until he falls asleep holding his 4-year-old baby someday and stares at those perfect eyelashes, those little hands that still have a hint of chubby toddler left in them, and that angelic face that turns me to mush.
Until Labor Day... I'm clinging.. I'm clinging tight. I refuse to let it be over until it's REALLY over. In the beginning, it seemed endless. The lazy mornings, the days at the park, the picnics, the late night water fights and after supper giggles on the swing set, the fireworks, the ice cream truck, the worms, the dirt, the sand, the hours at the beach, the dirty bath water, the bike rides, the backyard baseball games, the whirl of amusement park rides, the walks around the lake, the concerts, and the late nights with friends because it was just TOO nice to go to bed.
After Labor Day, I'll simply accept it - I mean, I could pull him from preschool (don't tempt me!), but summer will STILL fade to Fall and my kids will still grow and someday my house will still be empty. There is no other choice than to say hello to this new season with grace - trusting that what God has in store will somehow be even richer than the seasons we have behind us, trusting that God will guide me as I learn the ropes of drop-off and pick-up and how to correctly sign forms (because apparently just because they put "no" as an option doesn't mean it's actually an option .. not that I'm speaking from experience or anything), and trusting God as I loosen the reigns and let the real life lessons begin knowing I have done all I can and will continue to do all I can to raise littles who know they are so loved and so special and put here for a purpose. Though the tears are winning for now, I am certain there will be much joy ahead.
So to the summer that I thought would never end - here's to the last 15 paper chains. Do not disappoint.
(In case you're confused .. I wrote this blog last night but stayed up way too late listening to way too many sad songs about babies growing up so I couldn't post it until today!)
"I'd always want to be there - those were the best days of my life .. back in the summer of 2016?!?!"
