{15} Weeks

How far along: 15 Weeks
Weeks to go: 25.. give or take a few!

Baby is the size of: An Apple
Gender Prediction: Girl -- My appointment this week convinced me of this! Read below... 

Gender Reveal: Not until birth

Weight gain: 8.6 lbs
Symptoms: Heartburn, Bleeding Gums, Migraines

Starting to show yet?: Removing this question because I don't think I need to tell you every week that I'm already showing! :)
Mood: Pretty great, actually! Ha! Although I did apologize to my co-teacher today about my grumpiness yesterday. Luckily she forgave me. 

Maternity clothes: Only wearing maternity shirts but still barely squeezing into a couple pairs of regular pants.
Cravings: Starburst! Any Halloween candy in sight. Salads.
Aversions: I just can't cook raw meat - I've been making Benny do it. 

Belly button in or out: Oh boy is it out! Ouch!

Sleep: Not so bad. 

Movement: I feel these little flutters, but I don't know if I just think I'm feeling something and it's gas.. probably the case.
Labor Signs: Nope. 

Best moment this week: How do I pick?! Halloween festivities, Friday hang-out-with-my-buddy-and-not-change-out-of-pajamas day, Our concert at preschool, the beautiful weather!

Worst moment this week: A scary doctor's appointment! My nurse/friend always checks for the heartbeat first, but she always tells me not to be concerned if she doesn't find it. She didn't find it but said he'd come in and find it right away (like usual). He didn't. He kept trying and trying. Nothing. Then he said he'd go grab his old Doppler. Still nothing. At this point, I was a little nervous but I wasn't freaking out. He then went and got his ultrasound gadget. Couldn't find the baby, couldn't find the baby .. and then we found the baby (squirming and moving and waving and kicking) and saw the heart flashing! Woohoo! Relief. Like lots of relief. If we could not do that again, that would be greeeaaat! Anyway, I decided baby must be a girl since baby was not cooperating and being stubborn already. :)

Miss anything: Eating raw eggs!! (No, you sickos - I don't mean cracking an egg in my mouth). I'm a total supporter of licking the spoon after mixing any sort of dough/cake mix/etc. I just won't risk it while pregnant, though.
Trice's Thoughts this Week: Trice has decided baby will need to sleep on the couch. He'll give baby a pillow, though. He also thinks it would be okay for baby to live with us. He told me one day that he no longer has a baby in his tummy, just mommy. He kicked my tummy while climbing over me, and I told him to be careful because we don't want to kick the baby. He said, "Yeah. Then we have to get a new baby, I guess." I started talking to him about the ultrasound. We are thinking of taking him, but I wanted to see how he'd respond... he said, "We will see the baby? We take it out of your belly and then we have to put it back in." Umm.. not quite?

{14} Weeks

How far along: 14 Weeks
Weeks to go: 26.. give or take a few!

Baby is the size of: A Lemon
Gender Prediction: Girl -- I think Trice convinced me of this! 

Gender Reveal: Not until birth

Weight gain: ??? (Probably 20 lbs by now)
Symptoms: Heartburn, Leg Cramps, Restless at night

Starting to show yet?: Ohhhh yes!
Mood: Pretty good! Just some strange emotions this week -- worries about where exactly we're going to put baby (3 bedroom house but only 2 bedrooms upstairs), sad that I'm not planning a nursery but also a little relieved.

Maternity clothes: Still in the ackward in-between stage with the pants. Maternity shirts FOR sure. Some extremely large bras would be beneficial at this point.
Cravings: Starburst, Sloppy Joes (except when we actually went to make them they sounded gross), salad, sweets of any kind, MILK, pineapple, apples w/pb. I also had pumpkin seeds for the first time ever this week - I've been missing out my whole life! So delicious! Actually, if I could just eat pumpkin seeds and tuna on crackers (not together, silly) I think I'd be set..
Aversions: None that I can think of... 

Belly button in or out: Now it's popped out again and looks like it might literally just burst open. I can't even think about it and when Trice accidentally touches it, every part of my body squirms. 

Sleep: A little bit restless. Trice is reallllly struggling with this whole sleep thing so that doesn't help the situation.

Movement: None yet, obviously.
Labor Signs: Nope. 

Best moment this week: So many fun things! Fall festival, playing in the leaves with Trice, play date at the park, carving pumpkins with the preschoolers, 

Worst moment this week: Hmm... maybe just Trice not sleeping. It's wearing on all of us. Not so much even that he won't sleep - just the frustration of trying to keep him in his bed. Also, I missed one of my best friend's baby showers so that was sad! 

Miss anything: Maybe not feeling extreme amounts of pain when Trice pl
ops down on my lap?!
Trice's Thoughts this Week: We told Trice we were going to look at a double stroller. He said, "We not need two seats. Baby can just sit on my lap!" Ha! Then he was really wanting baby to come out so they could ride in the stroller together! He also said, "I having a boy baby sister" and insists baby's name is "Motorcycle."

Here's the face you make when your toddler bites your leg during the photo shoot! 

Our {Weekend} in Pictures

We were going to glue orange paper on a pumpkin, but I couldn't find glue. So we improvised. Quickly cut out a pumpkin, grabbed some garage sale stickers, and drew a few circles to make it a little more exciting. He loved covering up the circles with the stickers... and stickers are great for fine motor, by the way. (I'm an early childhood worker - I think about these things.. don't judge). 

While Trice napped, I thought about all the things I should be doing .. and decided making a pumpkin for the fridge was probably THE most important.. so I did. Turns out, it made for hours of fun (and now he knows what eyebrows are)!

 Mommy went to "Gone Girl" with a couple girl friends on Friday night so daddy and Trice had a "Chuggington" movie night. The next morning Trice said, "Mommy, you have fun at the movie with your friends?" I said, "I did. Thanks for asking. Did you have fun watching a movie with daddy?" "It was VERY fun, mommy!"

Loves helping put the dishes away! 

After family pictures, we stopped at HyVee to get a few discounted pumpkins from papa. Trice was in the zone! 

Playing outside with daddy while mommy cooked supper .. Mr. Independent

Daddy let mommy sleep in on Saturday morning, so mommy returned the favor Sunday morning .. and we painted some toast. So much fun! 

Yummy toast pumpkins! Trice talked about them all day and requested we paint toast tomorrow with Sydney!

 I spent nap time on Sunday at a canvas painting with a couple girl friends in celebration of her 30th Birthday (which was in June). It took us this long to find a date that worked for all 3 of us!

 Typical Sunday morning of wrestling with daddy!

Pumpkin carving time!

Nick and I despise carving pumpkins, and I was not in the mood to paint them .. so this is what you get!

{12} Weeks

**Picture to be found. It's either hiding or didn't happen - still to be determined.**

How far along: 12 Weeks!
Weeks to go: 28.. give or take a few!

Baby is the size of: A lime

Gender Prediction: No idea
Gender Reveal: Not until birth

Weight gain: ??
Symptoms: Rolling over a lot trying to find a comfortable sleep position

Starting to show yet?: Sure thing.
Mood: Pretty normal - cry, laugh, yell at Benny.. repeat.

Maternity clothes: Wearing them. My little belly is starting to pop out the bottom of some of my non-maternity shirts.
Cravings: Fruit, Sweets, Nothing too crazy.
Aversions: Not really.

Belly button in or out: Kind of flattening out. So strange. 

Sleep: Generally exhausted but finding a little more energy and motivation.

Movement: None yet, obviously.
Labor Signs: Nope. 

Best moment this week: Taking Trice to the Iowa State game! So much fun! He loves everything about it. Also going to a Jeremy Camp/Kutless concert with my mama. We haven't had a mother-daughter outing in years, so it was good for my heart for sure. 

Worst moment this week: I can't really think of any particular "bad" moments.. 

Miss anything: nope.
Trice's Thoughts this Week: EVERYONE has a baby in their tummy - mommy, daddy, Trice, papa! 

{13} Weeks

How far along: 13 Weeks!
Weeks to go: 27.. give or take a few!

Baby is the size of: A 

Gender Prediction: No idea
Gender Reveal: Not until birth

Weight gain: ???
Symptoms: Heartburn, Migraines (thank goodness for peppermint oil), Going pee all day/night long (almost time to switch sides of the bed with Nick again). 

Starting to show yet?: I get the question, "Are you sure you're not having twins?" at least once/day .. so I think that means I'm showing.
Mood: I've been a little moody this week. I seem to have very little patience. Not so much fun!

Maternity clothes: Most of my maternity pants are HUGE in the butt area, but my regular pants will not go over my hips no matter how much I wiggle or suck it in ... dilemma. Leggings, maxi skirts, and yoga pants are my new best friends (who am I kidding - they've ALWAYS been my best friends!)
Cravings: Pizza Rolls (literally have not had pizza rolls in YEARS), milk, sweets, pineapple,
Aversions: Raw meat is still totally grossing me out. 

Belly button in or out: Pretty much the same. 

Sleep: Feeling less exhausted for sure. Not napping when Trice does anymore, but I did go to bed at 8:15 on Saturday night. 

Movement: None yet, obviously.
Labor Signs: Nope. 

Best moment this week: It was a great week - playing at the park with Trice, pumpkin carving, going to canvas painting with some friends (despite my post about how it was NOT for me), family pictures, movie night with Nicole and Katie, doing Fall activities with Trice - painting toast, making a pumpkin on the fridge. I think that absolute best moment, though, was tonight (Sunday) when the three of us laid in bed reading books for an hour with just the lamp on. 

Worst moment this week: Probably the two horrific migraines I had ... they have got to go! The one night Nick was gone at a church meeting. Trice was refusing to go to bed. I was puking, crying, and curled in a ball on the ground. It was a little miserable. Nick didn't get any of my text messages saying, "COME HOME NOW." 

Miss anything: Being able to take medicine for migraines!!
Trice's Thoughts this Week: I asked Trice what we should name the baby -- "I'll just ask it when it comes out!" Ha! One day he told me I have 9 babies in my tummy. Out of nowhere he said, "My baby sister in your tummy." (hmm..) I asked him again if he had a name for the baby - "Just motorcycle. I don't have any other names." By the end of the week, he had decided we each have 8 babies in our tummy. Yikes. A friend dropped off a car seat and he said, "I want baby come out RIGHT NOW and sit in it."

Not the Next {Picasso}

"It's the latest trend," they said.

"You get to drink wine," they said.

"Oh, they basically paint if for you," they said.

"They can turn anyone into an artist," they said.

"It will be a blast," they said. 

Well folks, they lied.

Canvas wine painting is NOT my thing. 

Not to ruin the party for everyone - you should TOTALLY try it ... 

Unless:

1) You are left-handed. Total disadvantage. I turn my paper sideways to write and you think I am going to be able to have skilled precision with a paint brush on a canvas standing straight up. Get real. 

2) You must be able to consume wine. Or muscle relaxants. Or anxiety medication prior to and while painting. Really, all 3 would probably be best. If not, just don't do it. 

3) If you cried nearly every day in elementary art class and draw a house with a sun and a tree every time you color with your child - you just aren't cut out for this kind of stuff. Don't beat yourself up - everyone has your strengths. Clearly art ins't yours. 

Do you know what it is yet? Apple is the wrong answer but nice try!

4) If you have OCD or happen to be a perfectionist like yours truly, either plan on a 6 hour event or don't even step foot in those places ... 2 hours? The lady might have finished her painting before I even had a dot of paint on my canvas because I had way too much anxiety about making that first mark. 

I will admit - my painting is OK. I'm not in love with it, but I imagined it being a whole lot worse. It was an experience.. that's for sure. My friends think we're going back in December to paint a snowman. I'm pretty sure they will forget to call me to register for that one.. in fact, I don't think I'll ever be invited again until I can fix the #2 issue! In all honesty, we made some fun memories and shared some laughs. What a fun Sunday afternoon!

Without further ado, here she be...

(L): Finished product. (R) Hanging nicely above our TV that never gets used.

 Here are my friend's paintings - you'll have to turn your head sideways because I'm way too lazy to turn them for you!

FYI - My love language is words of affirmation. If you'd like to fill my love bucket, go ahead and tell me how wonderful this painting is. I'll try to smile and gently nod instead of telling you everything that is wrong with it (and trust me - everything is wrong with it). I even asked Trice what is was and he said, "I dunno!"

One {Beautiful} Afternoon

I wish I could somehow capture a priceless afternoon scene. The ones where words can't say enough. Where grabbing a camera would ruin the moment. Where you wish, somehow, you could literally capture it in a bottle and bring it out any time you ever wanted to for the rest of your life.

The way his legs bounce up and down and his hips and arms twist in opposite directions as he runs. Nearly escaping injury with every step.

Freely.

No holding back.

He runs so fast down the hill filling the entire sky with laughter, nearly tumbling over his own feet. 

Then he smiles back up at me. That grin where he blue eyes glisten with pride and my eyes well up with tears.

It's the complete abandonment at he flies down the slide at 100mph. Okay, his feet practically reach the end of the slide, but when a little person slides -- they slide! 

The sheer amount of energy it takes to propel himself onto that plastic swing. How careless he swings back and forth begging, "Higher, mommy, higher!" and I tell him, "You are going SO high! You are almost to the sky!" (even though he's barely left the ground). How he flings himself off when he decides that second he is "all done." 

The race to the rocks to find the perfect one. Examining each and every one as if we have stumbled upon a pot of gold. "Look, mommy. This one has stripes." "This one dirty." "This one ucky." "This one so pretty." "This one hot. Sun made it hot." "This one cold. Wind made it cold."

Did I mention his love for the weather? Future meteorologist for sure. '

"It very nice out today. Nice night for a walk. Little bit windy. Kinda chilly. See some clouds today. Very bright today." Who needs weather bug with this kid around?

And of course -- "I need find one for daddy!" We save it in a special place. 

I remind him rocks can't go in the grass because daddy might mow over them. He finds a spot in the grass and reminds me that, "Daddy not mow right here." 

And then - oh - it caught his eye. That bright red leaf skimming, hopping, leaping across the driveway. "ooh! Ahh! Get it, mommy!" he hollers as he skips after it ... always reaching down just as it hops away again. Collecting all the pretty ones in his bucket - frantic when one escapes. 

Ohh.. and what's the coming down the street? BIG. YELLOW. BUS. He immediately loses focus and sprints to his "spot" in the driveway. Doesn't everyone have a school bus watching post? "Mommy sit! Right here!" The questions begin. "Where's Lainy? What those kids doing? Hope bus doesn't hit that car." And then the drier waves. You would think Thomas the tank engine himself just greeted Trice, but no - just that old man whose been driving a bus for 50 years giving a simple wave. His day is made. He begins dreaming of riding the bus and going to school and wearing his "bap pack someday when he's bigger". I blink and suddenly I'm sitting on the front porch waiting for him to get off and missing the days we sat there together waiting for that old yellow bus. Then I cry. Probably the 900th time today, but who is keeping count?

It's back to the backyard - one foot on the slide, the other extended into an arabasque (future ballerina? Yes, please). He looks up at me with that sneaky grin and says, "Why I do this, mom?" which is always code for, "I know this isn't safe or allowed, but I'm doing it anyway." Today I let my overprotective guard down. He won't fall too far. It won't hurt too bad. Just let him be - let him climb, run, jump, and (gasp) fall down. (After all - I DO love kissing boo boos!)

It's time to go back inside. He slowly walks to the steps reminding me, "I do it myself." He won't hold onto the railing. This time I won't even make him. Each step - left foot, right foot. Pause. Left foot, right foot. Pause. Those steps seem HUGE. Mastering each one is a giant victory.

Once supper is ready, he flings himself over the chair and bows his head to pray. "Thank you Jesus for our food." The next 20 minutes are chaotic. Spoons in our milk cup, napkins flying across the kitchen, applesauce from the top of his head to the tips of his toes, too many requests to keep count - because shouldn't mom have known if he has a blue bowl, blue fork, and blue plate then he MUST have the blue cup? No, we don't care that it's dirty.

And then we chat. I love those dinner time chats. So much happiness in the midst of flying peas and spitting. He says something about friends and I ask, "Who are your friends?" Those teeth peek out again - "YOU, mommy!" ... "and daddy and God and Jesus!" Tears again. 

All I can think is -- I want to be him. He's not giving a single thought to the EBOLA crisis in Africa. He's not worried about what we're going to wear to family pictures on Saturday. He's not trying to decide what to cook for supper. He doesn't care about the dirty dishes that seem to be creeping onto every counter space. That pile of clothes all over mommy's bedroom that just don't ever get put away? No big deal. As long as there's still room to read his Bible in mommy's bed every morning, he's a happy camper. His life is full of pure joy (except for that hour after bed time which always seems pretty brutal). He's so incredibly loved. He's so incredibly safe. Nothing can stop him.

My heart is so full and it's only been a few hours. Just a tiny glimpse into this giant picture of this season of my life. When the days often run together and there's never enough time and the clock never stops ticking, but really something SO beautiful is happening in front of my eyes. This is everything I ever dreamt of. It's not perfect; it's often not easy. It requires so much more patience and energy than I'll ever have. Still I tuck it all in my heart pocket and promise myself to remember these moments ... forever. These are the afternoons that make my life complete.

I have so many dreams in my heart for this little boy. So many things I want him to do and experience. More than anything - I want him to ALWAYS know how special he is and how much he is loved by his mommy, daddy, and God (and many others, of course.) But for now - I just dream of this. These afternoons. These moments that may seem like nothing to anyone else, but to me - there is nothing greater. This is my dream come true. This is the beat of my heart.

A {Poopy} Situation

Trice wears diapers for nap and bedtime only at this point (loving it!) 

He has a tendency to remove his diaper as one of his billion ways to avoid sleep. After the 7th time of him coming out of his room refusing to nap today, I decided I was satisfied with him standing in his bed playing with a dinosaur so I could rest and attempt to not puke from day 2 of this horrible migraine (not relevant, but feel free to feel sorry for me). 

Anyway, I'm in bed and I hear the little pitter-patter across the kitchen floor, and I secretly hope he just won't find me. I do a quick memory check of whether or not I put all the safety locks back on cupboards and decide he's probably safe... 

The whole way he keeps saying, "I need to go potty, I need to go potty." (Usual excuse for getting out of bed) He got to my room, but I continued to pretend to be asleep in hopes that he'd turn around and go back to bed (or at least let me be). He pried my eyes open with his tiny fingers, and when I opened them I noticed he was naked... also not unusual. 

But then.. he said, "Mommy, I threw my diaper away. It had poop in it."

REMAIN CALM. REMAIN CALM. THERE'S JUST POSSIBLY POOP SMEARED AND THROWN FROM HIS BEDROOM TO YOUR BEDROOM AND EVERYWHERE IN BETWEEN. DO NOT PANIC. 

He was, indeed, telling the truth. I told him, "Let's go look in the trash." He pointed and said, "See. There's my diaper. It has poop in it." Yep, it did. I had to praise him for being so independent and putting his diaper in the right place. So then my question is .. where did he take the diaper off? How far did he carry it? He obviously is not skilled enough to carry it nicely containing all the poop inside. I decided hand washing was first on the list and then I did a quick sweep of the house looking for poop and decided to call it good in hopes that he MIGHT go to sleep still. 

One hour later into the battle .. a lot of tears .. and finally this in mommy's bed. I didn't care one bit. I just wanted to close my own eyes. 45 minutes nap was sufficient enough for today. Isn't he so precious when he sleeps?! 

I should add - my phone was nowhere near me. I woke up with no feeling in my left hip and my left ear felt as though it was on fire. I was terrified to move. Of course, he took a deep breath when I moved. I did some super stellar ninja moves to capture this picture. And yes, he woke up. 

{11} Weeks

For the record, these photo sessions are kind of stressful. I don't like relying on someone else to take pictures so Nick has to take 100 before I finally say, "Whatever. It will work!" ;)

How far along: 11 Weeks!
Weeks to go: 29.. give or take a few!

Baby is the size of: A fig

Gender Prediction: No idea
Gender Reveal: Not until birth

Weight gain: 0
Symptoms: Leg cramps, round ligament pains, dizziness, heartburn

Starting to show yet?: Ohhhh yes! People are openly asking me (those who wouldn't have heard it through the grapevine or seen it on Facebook) so I must be past the point of wondering...
Mood: Pretty wonderful! Feeling so blessed! I did have some serious feelings of guilt I was struggling with, but I'm making peace with those and celebrating this little life growing inside of me. I'm trying to take more moments in the day to talk and sing to baby!

Maternity clothes: Dear maternity clothes,
This game of hide and (not) seek is getting old. I surrender. Come out, come out wherever you are. Or else I'll resort to cutting a hole where my belly goes in all of my shirts and yoga pants will have to do for every situation rather than  just 90% of situations.
Sincerely,
Pregnant-lady-who-isn't-really-pregnant-enough-to-be-needing-maternity-clothes-so-desperately-but-desperately-needs-maternity-clothes-because-she's-huge.

Update -- they've been FOUND! Nick had to literally tear the storage room apart, but it was worth it. I wore maternity jeans for the first time to church this week .. mostly just because it's basically like wearing yoga pants in jean form (Heavenly!) Washed all my maternity clothes, and I'll be rocking them starting next week... which means I'll need some new ones or I'll be really tired of them by April. 
Cravings: Mac 'n cheese & hot dogs (a craving I did NOT give in to)
Aversions: Raw meat is especially gross smelling .. but isn't it always? I'm also super sensitive to that way you smell after you get home from HyVee... stale celery. Gross.

Belly button in or out: Kind of flattening out. So strange. 

Sleep: Generally exhausted but finding a little more energy and motivation.

Movement: None yet, obviously.
Labor Signs: Nope. 

Best moment this week: Hearing baby's heartbeat again when I went to the doctor for my throat! Heartbeat was 150 for those gender conspiracy theorists... So glad to hear that little heart beating! When I put Trice to bed and said, "Scout will be right here!" and he replied, "And God. and Jesus." Melt.my.heart.

Worst moment this week: Trice throwing up all over himself at a restaurant that only had cloth napkins and having to smell like puke for the rest of the meal/walking back to the car. Yuck. Poor kiddo. Having hand, foot, and mouth. What?! And then we all ended up with hand, foot, and mouth which was not fun... but there are WAY worse things we could have. 

Miss anything: Nope.
Trice's Thoughts this Week: Lifts up my shirt, "COME OUT NOW, BABY!" "I want baby come out and pay puzzles wif me!"

Bedtime {Woes}

Life behind bars - it was SO peaceful. ;)

What do you do when the terrible twos creep into your home and you can't enjoy a margarita?

You eat a lot of ice cream. And cry. And hide in your bedroom. And cry some more. Oh, and there's that second bowl of ice cream.

Then you put your big girl pants back on ... After you post a status on Facebook about it hoping SOMEONE will sympathize, of course. And then regretting that status because now people are judging you because, "You don't even know.. this is JUST the beginning.. he's just being a 2 year old." Oh the joys of motherhood via social networking. Delete.

But okay - the big girl pants are back on now.. pulled up, zipped, and buttoned. (Who am I kidding - my pants do NOT button these days, and even if they did, I would not be wearing button-up pants on a Saturday).

Mostly, nap time and bed time are the enemy. There are those other 45 meltdowns during the day that push your buttons a little, but the bar is raised at bedtime... I mean, who wants to go to sleep when your mom and dad are SO much fun? And how cool is it that you now have the freedom to get out of your bed all by yourself? And you're even big enough to reach the door knob and open the door? Wow.. Being 2 is fun.

... unless you're on the OTHER side of it. The crib was SO nice. Why did it have to go? Where is my sweet boy who was finally sleeping so well? Why won't he just go to sleep? Is that seriously the door again? I HEAR MOVEMENT. EVERYONE BE STILL! Nope, too late. He's on the loose.

Prepare for round 4 of battle. We really need a bigger army...

I wouldn't even care if he roamed his room to be honest, but the refusing to stay in his bed is what drives me to a bowl of ice cream in 2 seconds flat.

But we'll get through this - these phases come and go so quickly. By the time I come up with some magical cure-all for these bedtime woes, he'll be coloring all over the walls with sharpies or cutting his own hair. I know he's perfectly normal - and that's a good thing, isn't it? I love that he's becoming independent. Even if it causes a few gray hairs. Even if I ban Nick from leaving the house at bedtime ever again. Even if we have to put a deadbolt on his door. Kidding.

In the mean time, we better head to the store for some more ice cream.. on to round 7.

{When Guilt Steals Your Joy}

I found my maternity clothes after weeks of searching - score.

...and then I cried.

I mean, it's not that strange for me to cry when I'm not pregnant. So really, it's to be expected when I am.

However, these are just some crazy emotions I'm going through.

Last time I wore these clothes, Trice was safe in my belly. Just a little poppy (okay, by the time I wore them with Trice he was way bigger than a poppy seed.) All the memories of every moment of pregnancy flooded back to me. I don't think I thought about anything else during those days than that tiny baby growing in my belly. I sang to him, read to him, prayed for him... I literally cherished every second. And now - he's 2. The kid wipes his own butt for pete sake. What the heck?! Doesn't he need mommy in the room with him? He can reach the sink. He has a freckle. He gets hurt. His face breaks when he's sad. He's SO big.

How will he handle this? Will he always know we love him so very much and he's special to us? Or will he feel replaced? And then there's these moments we're living right now -- knowing my moments with just him are nearing an end and it's hard. It's hard to let go of that. But I know - I know I will feel so grateful when he has a little playmate. When I see baby smile and light up when Trice walks in the room, I will just know. Someone please tell me these feelings are completely normal - I'm feeling like a crazy woman over here!

I sometimes feel sad when I'm not lost in thoughts and daydreams about this baby 24/7. I'm obviously beyond excited and feel incredibly blessed, but I'm so focused on our little guy that I feel like I don't stop to ponder this sweet baby near enough. I try my hardest to find little moments throughout the day to talk to baby - pray for baby - dream of what baby might look like, might do.

So anyways - I'm excited to bust these maternity clothes right out of the tub and start making memories of this pregnancy wearing them (after a wash, of course!) I'm excited to see how different my tummy will look and know that someday after this baby is born I'll look back with joy on all the days I wore them. I never feel more beautiful and more secure about my body than during pregnancy. Seriously - can I just rock a baby bump my whole life? Thanks.

But.. let's cut to the real heart of these emotions I'm dealing with. I'd basically call it one emotion -- guilt.

Before I had Trice, I was SO naive. I didn't do my research. I didn't look too much into things. I wasn't in the "mommy club" so I was pretty far separated from all those things they seem to discuss in "mommy club." When I discovered a friend was struggling to get pregnant, I prayed and wished them well. I didn't know that it was really so much more than that. When friends lost babies, I seemed so distant from it. I'd cry for them, pray for them, but I still didn't REALLY understand.

Then it all changed. My heart started beating outside my own body, and I knew. I won't ever pretend I have walked in their shoes, but I had a better understanding of what it must feel like to ever lose that. Unthinkable. I couldn't fathom losing Trice. But I've watched as friends lose their babies during pregnancy, right after birth, to SIDS, and later on...

I've prayed with friends who have been struggling with infertility and dream of nothing more than holding a baby of their own in their arms someday.

So, yes - I'm feeling guilty. I'm feeling guilty that I'm able to carry a child - I'm NO better than any of those close friends who so badly want to have a child of their own or grow their family. I prayed for this baby -  but they've prayed just as much for a baby who just never comes... why is that fair?

Or maybe they prayed for that baby they had to say goodbye to at 11 weeks.. 10 weeks.. 12 weeks.. 20 weeks.. 7 months. I've watched the ache, the sadness creep into their lives and take over where joy should have been spilling out. And it hurts me.

I had the hardest time sharing the news of my pregnancy with some of these friends. I knew that while they would be so happy for us and would pray for us and congratulate us, their heart would ache for what wasn't there or what was lost.

And then I did this thing that was like stabbing the knife deeper in - I announced my pregnancy on Facebook. And I regret it. I never would have felt bad before, but knowing that I had friends who were hurting - it's something I should not have done. I can't imagine what it felt like to see yet another announcement. I wondered - when you've lost or when you yearn to have - are you able to look at those and feel joy? Or does it just put salt in your wounds? I'm not sure. I try to think of being in that place - on the other side of this joy - and I don't know how I would feel. In fact, I'm terrified. Right now we're nearing the end of the first trimester. So far, things seem great. I know that at any point everything could change in one instant. My world could come crashing down. But I'm doing my best to be positive and relish in the joy of every moment with this sweet babe.

I believe every single baby is a gift from above - a blessing. I think all life should be celebrated. And so even buried deep in this guilt, I am choosing to celebrate this life growing inside of me. I'm celebrating this life for those who aren't able or whose celebration ended far too soon. I vow to be the best mommy I can possibly be - knowing I'm nowhere near perfect - and to love this child with all I have ... I vow to stop letting guilt steal my joy because I would NEVER want guilt to take away from anyone else's happiness. I can't make anything happen for my friends. I can't take away any pain. I know who can - and he is so much more powerful than I ever will be. So I'm going to lean on him. I'm going to stop questioning his reasoning, his timing, and remember that he is a loving God. I'm going to continue to pray for those who are hurting, longing, aching. Those who see yet another Facebook announcement and spend their evening crying. Those who dream at night of those precious souls who went home to Heaven. May God comfort you all - you are all so special to me.

.. and now, back to washing those maternity clothes!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, 

and lean not on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

{10} Weeks

How far along: 10 Weeks!
Weeks to go: 30.. give or take a few!

Baby is the size of: A Kumquat

Gender Prediction: Girl (Trice says he wants a baby sister)
Gender Reveal: Not until birth...

Weight gain: 3 lbs
Symptoms: Round ligament pains, shortness of breath, soreness when Trice plops on my belly

Starting to show yet?:  Ha! I think that's a definite yes.
Mood: Pretty wonderful! Feeling so blessed!

Maternity clothes: Doing the hair tie trick like it's my job. I made the mistake of unbuttoning and unzipping my pants on the trip to Ames for comfort and forgetting to button/zip them back up when we got there. How embarrassing. I purchased a new pair of maternity jeans and a maternity shirt on clearance at Target. Woo!
Cravings: Breakfast foods (eggs, hashbrowns), Apples, Sweets
Aversions: None really.

Belly button in or out: So funny thing.. it's actually flattening out a little. I was told my hernia will seem more normal while pregnant, so maybe that's what's happening?

Sleep: Generally exhausted.

Movement: None yet, obviously.
Labor Signs: Nope. 

Best moment this week: Hearing baby's heart beat and seeing baby on the ultrasound, my first doctor's appointment in general, finding out I can do a VBAC with my doctor at the same hospital we delivered Trice (much relief), letting everyone know the news, ladies bonfire for church, going to the Iowa State game with my love!

Worst moment this week: Trice throwing up all over himself at a restaurant that only had cloth napkins and having to smell like puke for the rest of the meal/walking back to the car. Yuck. Poor kiddo.

Miss anything: Nope.
Trice's Thoughts this Week: He was messing with a baby toy and it fell apart. He said, "Well, I guess baby hafta figure that one out." One day randomly he said, "Baby will love papa, too." SO SWEET!!