Left It In the Water |10.15.17|

On October 15th, Nick, Jake, and I were baptized at our church. It was a powerful morning as the three of us shared our testimonies of how we came to know Christ. We all three had very different stories, but the powerful part was how they were all weaved together -- all part of God's grand design for our lives. This was a morning I will never forget for the rest of my life! 

My friends thought it was hilarious that I had my testimony typed out .. like they should have expected anything less. #mylovelanguageiswords

Nick's testimony definitely got the tears going. Watching God change this man's heart and work in his life has been nothing short of breathtaking. I'm grateful every day he came to know Christ! He is a man of few words, but that morning he put it perfectly into words how God transformed him. I can't wait to see what God has in store for his life!! 

Loved sharing this morning with my brothers!

I was baptized as an infant, grew up in a Christian home with two incredibly loving parents, and had a wonderful childhood. I don’t remember being at church every Sunday, but I do have many memories of Sunday school and confirmation so I know we attended frequently and I believed in God at a very young age.

Most of my life, I just kind of went through the motions with no real purpose. I thought if I always did what was right, God would be pleased and never punish me. I tried to control everyone and everything around me to create this perfect image of myself. I became obsessed with being perfect, or at least appearing perfect, and spent a lot of time and energy trying to maintain that image to the point I became not only crippled with fear and anxiety but also pretty conceited.

In May 2010, Nick and I graduated from college, got married, and moved to Spirit Lake all in one month and life started to get really, really tough. Nick wasn’t a believer at the time so while he was still an amazing husband, I was expecting from him what I should have been turning to Jesus for and it made that first year of marriage difficult for both of us as I experienced a lot of grief and loss that year. Life continued to throw one hard thing after another and I quickly realized I could not control all that was happening around me and ended up feeling defeated when I had no power to change things. I had no solid ground to stand on, and I felt very alone.

I remember struggling with post-partum depression and one evening I was rocking our newborn when I heard a knock at the door and this man Nick had met once or twice at a small group through CrossWinds handed over a meal for us. We hadn’t even stepped foot inside Crosswinds, but here they were showing up to love on us during an overwhelming time. We were completely blown away by this kindness and I told Nick maybe he should go to that small group again.. because I like free food, but also because I thought these were the kind of people we should be hanging around. Then I was invited to a Crosswinds ladies night on the Queen by Nick’s coworker’s wife. I remember being so excited and thought it was very sweet of her to invite me. That night I met many ladies who were welcoming and filled with the spirit, and I felt so encouraged by them. After that, Nick and I decided to give CrossWinds a try.

It was in this very church that I began to really get to know who Christ is and start living for Him. I met a Father who is so good, so faithful, so patient and so loving. I became a woman who knows she is treasured even with all her imperfections. I no longer have to put on a show or try to be perfect because God accepts me as I am – a sinner in need of His grace every single day.

I have stopped trying to control the difficult situations in my life and instead trust God to be the author of my story.  As I’ve grown closer to Christ, everything about my life from my marriage, to how we parent our children, to our friendships has changed for the better. I’m no longer afraid of being punished by God but instead living in the freedom that I don’t at all deserve but he so graciously offers. I’ve been able to witness God repairing broken relationships and turning completely hopeless situations around for His good. My heart is on fire for Jesus and because I’ve tasted his goodness, I want to love his people and go out and tell the world of His unfailing love for us. Not because it makes me look good or is a reflection of who I am, but because it is a reflection of who Jesus is and we just never know when someone out there needs to see Him through us.

Time and time again, people and things of this world have failed me miserably, but I serve a God who will never, ever fail me and there’s just nothing that gives me more hope than the promise of an eternity with Him. Today I want to publicly proclaim that I am a daughter of Christ and living every day of my life to glorify Him.

Lanolin, Mastitis, and One Long Nursing Journey ... My Farewell Message!

52 month or 4 years, 4 months. However you want to do the math... I probably didn't even do it correctly. 

That's how much of my life I've spent with a baby hooked to me. For awhile it was 24/7, then it was every few hours, then it was just a few times a day, and down to just morning and night.. 

...and then it was just over.

Eliana decided last week she was done nursing, and I've been a little emotional about it. Because for a really long time now, I've been nursing a baby in that rocking chair (or on the bathroom floor while simultaneously stopping a toddler's bloody nose, or on the kitchen floor while cooking dinner, or on the side of the road, or while sleeping!) It's just been a part of our life for so long that it feels a little strange to not do it.

And while it's a blessing that she decided on her own (no-stress weaning right there) and that I was able to nurse her for so long, it's still bittersweet. There's a very strong possibility my nursing days are over, and that's kind of a hard thing for me to accept. I'm also not quite ready for her to be a big girl yet. She's out of her crib and almost out of her diapers and she talks like a big girl and she knows all the words to Amazing Grace and she can count .. and I felt like this nursing thing was really her last little tie to babyhood.

I'm one of those people who genuinely enjoyed nursing my babies. It was a really wonderful, rewarding, positive experience for me. However, it wasn't always easy and I think it's important for me to be real about that. Those first days with a newborn when I had NO idea what I was doing and felt like I needed at least 8 hands and couldn't believe the nurses sent me home and I'd have to figure it out while in some crazy hormonal state wearing padsicles. Then there were the days of trying to coordinate grocery trips and outings with feedings, but since I always fed on demand - it was pretty unpredictable for awhile. And then when the second baby came and I was all like, "Leave me alone. I got this" and wondered why my newborn couldn't just get 'er done like my toddler did because I forgot that's not how it worked in the beginning days. Sometimes I struggled to produce and cried over spilled milk, I loathed pumping, my second baby refused a bottle, I once had double mastitis and more clogged ducts than I cared to keep track of, I fell victim to the freezer stash comparison nonsense, and sometimes I was desperate for sleep and just wanted to cut my boobs off and glue them on Nick. And let's not forget all the pressure I got to stop nursing Ellie when she was struggling to gain weight - but I'm so thankful my mama heart knew better and I pressed on.. just look at her now. So no, it wasn't always rainbows and butterflies, but looking back now it was literally a half a blink. That's it. Not even a full one. 

Yep, I half-blinked and the next thing I knew that first baby was falling asleep in his bed without us beside him and without crawling into our bed in the middle of the night anymore. And that second little baby was just asking for a book in the morning and a glass of milk and doing all sorts of big girl things with little time to stop for a snuggle. 

I know breastfeeding isn't for everyone - Sometimes it doesn't work out. Or maybe you don't even want to breastfeed. Or maybe you think I'm completely crazy for nursing a walking, talking, human being. That's okay, too. Fed REALLY is best and please don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. But I hope if you are nursing a new baby tonight or are in the thick of it or think maybe you want to give it a try, you feel encouraged. Because 4 years flew by for me, and I'm certain it will for you, too. And before you know it you'll be tossing out the pump and donating those breast pads and finally ditching your nursing bras with one thread left for real ones (I forgot what a real bra feels like.. life changing!) You'll throw away all that lanolin and coconut oil. And you might just glance at that kid whose way too big to even fit in your arms and try to remember what it felt like when they were so tiny and nuzzled right up close to you with their tiny fingers on your neck depending on you for everything and think - 4 years, huh? That was really 4 years? And maybe, just maybe, like me - you'll wish you hadn't half-blinked. 

Can anyone guess her favorite color?!

**Next week I'm having some tests done. I've been somewhat putting them off due to nursing, so when the nurse called yesterday telling me it was time to schedule a follow-up test, I realized why Ellie decided to stop nursing last week. All in God's perfect timing. No need to be worried about the tests - just trying to find the culprit to some symptoms that have us all stumped - but prayers for my anxious heart to have peace in the waiting are always appreciated.**

Happy #5!

Five. 5. V.

No matter how you put it, it just seems so big. 

How do I even put into words what your life has meant to us? Five years ago our hearts overflowed with joy as we welcomed you into this world. We had NO idea .. let me repeat, NO idea how your arrival would change our lives. We mostly just hoped we could keep you alive, but we weren't so confident about that in the beginning. We did not know you would be born wide awake and we would never sleep again. Or how you would go full speed from sun up to sun down and all the hours in between. We didn't know you would be a walking encyclopedia and google would be the only way I'd be able to answer your questions. We didn't know your feelings would be big - not just sometimes, but all the time. There is no way we could have known how you would grow to have a servant's heart and an immense love for God's creation. 

Your dad and I still take turns lying next to you every single night as you fall asleep. You don't have that fresh newborn scent to you anymore. Most nights you smell like a mixture of sweat, bugs, and dirt - the Heavenly scent of a little boy. Your hair isn't as fine and soft, but my fingers still run through it just as easily. You're pretty picky about how your head lies on my arm these days, but I'm figuring it out slowly.

You can build a 750 piece lego set in a few hours, occasionally turn into a fire-breathing dragon, make a mean pirate 'arrrgh', and drive your sister to tears one minute and have her laughing the next. You could read all day, still pick papa as your best friend, and love playing all sports.

My prayer for you remains the same - that God will surround you with people who will lead you to Him, that you will always be yourself and let your light shine to those around you, that you will know how truly loved you are, and that you will walk the path God has designed for you. I won't pray for an easy life because I want you to taste God's sweet redemption, and when you stumble and step off the path I pray you rely on Him to pick you right back up where you left off. I pray that in times of pain and heartache, you're eyes always look up.

Five seems big because for most kids it means Kindergarten and that's your first big shot out into the real world. Your dad and I decided (with a whole lot of help from the Lord) that it just wasn't the right place for you right now. You will be home with your sister and I next year, and I couldn't be more thankful for that. I pray you learn and grow this year and fall even more in love with the world around you. Even though I'm not sending you off to the big school, it's stilla beautiful heartache I'm feeling as I watch you spread your wings, make new friends, and walk a few more steps ahead of me. You need less of me these days, but I'm still your home base. At the park you prefer to find kids your age instead of asking me to go on some adventure with you, but I don't mind watching you be kind and imaginative from the bench. You play a lot more on your own now because as hard as I try, I just can't dive as deep into your world as you'd like me to. At the end of the day, though, you are still asking for mama to sleep with you.

You're always quick to jump in and help me out. Sometimes when I hear, "How can I help, mom?" I want to cringe a little bit knowing it's going to take 5,000 hours longer, but I always let you help because I never want to squash that big heart of yours. You are the first to run to the side of someone who is hurt. You set the table and clean up milk spills. You put your laundry away and clean up your toys (sometimes!)

I'm blessed to be your mom. Blessed beyond words. Some days I'm not sure how I'll ever survive your big feelings, your constant need for adventure and challenge. You and I are so much alike so when your stubborn is on full blast, I just want to throw in the towel. But I don't because I know the qualities you possess that are challenging to me are the same qualities God is using to mold you into the person he has destined you to be.

You are going to do great things, Trice. I don't know what (I pray not play pro football like you think), but I know that your light will continue to shine bright. I know that there are hard days ahead. You will start to notice when kids are mean.. and kids are SO mean. You will fall down and sometimes you will fail. But through it all, you are going to learn and grow and bloom.

.. and me? I'll be right here cheering you on, praying for you, and soaking up every last bit of  these days while you are still my little boy.

Happy Birthday, big guy! I can't wait to see what 5 has in store for you!

Love,
Your Number One Fan

My Mama Heart Cried Today

"I don't think this park is for 4 1/2 year olds. I need harder things to climb. I will be 5 this summer, you know."

Those words cut deep into my mama heart. It was a beautiful February day, and I decided we would enjoy an hour or so at the park when I picked Trice up from preschool. I took them to the least muddy (but still plenty of fun puddles) park which is also the park that is best for kiddos Eliana's age. As he slung himself over the rocking horse, climbed to the top of the play set in 2 seconds, and made it halfway down the slide just by sitting down at the top, I couldn't help but think back..

March 29, 2013

Trice was just shy of 7 months old. It was a gorgeous day, much like the weather we've had recently, so we threw jackets on and headed to the best tiny human park in town. We documented every moment of the process (which kind of makes me sad because I couldn't tell you the first time Eliana went to a park - I'm pretty sure it was the day we brought her home from the hospital..) Papa went along, of course. 

..and it was magical..

and then there he was in 2014..

..and 2015...

I knew before we went to the park that day that those words might be coming. I'd noticed the last time we were there that he really HAD outgrown that park I loved so much. So many memories - the park we ALWAYS went to when his best friend Syd still lived here because it was within walking distance of their house. All the picnics. The time he climbed the tree and fell out. The million times I'd climbed through the tunnel with him. 

Part of me  just hoped I had more time. I often find myself wishing I had more time, but I'm careful not to let my wish for more time interfere with the time I do have. 

I'm the kind of person who reads all those sappy articles about how when your kids grow up you'll wish you had spent more time with them and less time cleaning, etc. and cries because I don't want my kids to grow up but not because I'm not cherishing the moment. I would say I genuinely cherish 99.9% of the moments - even the tough ones - because I feel it.  I KNOW I'm living the best days of my life. I KNOW it's going to fly by. I truly do enjoy the time I have with these sweet blessings God has entrusted to me. 

And the other day when he climbed out of the bathtub by himself, I wondered when the last time was that he needed me to lift him out. When we headed out for a walk and he hopped on his bike and took off down the trail I wondered when the last time was he rode within arms reach in the stroller. As he set the table and drank out of a breakable glass, I wondered when the last time was he used a sippy. And most recently he's been sleeping all night in his own bed. Pretty soon I'm sure I'll wonder, "When was the last time he came to find me in the middle of the night?"

Watching your kids grow up is the greatest blessing - it's the way it's supposed to happen - it's natural and apparently impossible to keep them little forever. I get it. I embrace it. I'm amazed by it. I'm grateful for it. 

But today.. my mama heart cried. 

Death without a Funeral

The last few years of my life have been filled with an incredible amount of grief and loss - so much that one would wonder how I keep going with a smile on my face. To be honest, there are days I haven't felt like I COULD keep going. There have been days heartache and tears have won, but through it all - I have never doubted His plan or love for me. 

At a Jason Gray concert this summer, I heard a song that described these losses perfectly -- it is called "Death without a funeral" and you should listen to it. 

"When there's nothing we can bury in the dirt
No place to lay the memory of all the things that were

No way to feel the closure, no ending to the hurt

It's a death without a funeral."
Jason Gray, Death Without a Funeral

There was no funeral when I lost family member after family member to divorce. There were no heartfelt sympathies sent my way when I finally had that best adult friend I had longed for my entire life only for her to move away and for us to slowly drift apart. There was no goodbye when I watched someone I love dearly be captured by addiction. There was no sorrowful music when my mother walked out the door and out of my life for a few years. 

I would never downplay the finality of death. These "deaths" I have experienced can't compare to the pain and suffering of losing someone completely - as in no way of ever spending time on Earth with them again. All of these people are still here; they just aren't with me. I can watch their lives continue on, but I won't be a part of them. In some of these cases, I am still a part of their lives but the relationship I have with them has been changed forever. 

..there's no healing without grieving..

I've had my share of funerals over the past few years - some that were hard, very hard. Some that brought peace because suffering had ended or their "time" seemed to fit in with the cycle of life. Knowing that those who have left this Earth are safe in our Savior's arm is the hope I cling to on the days I miss them so much the tears won't stop falling. 

But the "deaths" that have been the hardest are truly those that came with no sympathy cards, no meals at my door, no prayers and well wishes, and no goodbyes. Those are the deaths that force me to make a choice each morning - to choose to continue breathing without people I love. But more importantly, those are the "deaths" that constantly remind me of my Savior's love - and that He is truly he only one who will never leave or forsake me. He will be with me now and forever - long after all the things of this Earth of gone. My family and my friends may not stick around - but He will be with me for all time. People around me will make poor choices - but I wont carry the burden. My heart will ache, and I will long for the relationships that were so near and dear to me - but I wont be so caught up in the "what might have beens" that I fail to see the glory of what is.

...when you see me, I'm still breathing - though a million things have died inside of me.. 

So while I continue to grieve the loss of several loved ones who remain on this Earth, I look forward to an eternity in Heaven where there are no tears, no pain, no suffering - where I can wake each day and not feel the loss of those I love dearly and where I pray each missed moment and memory we didn't get to make will seem like so insignificant compared to the beauty of 

The Little Ant Who Could!

A few months ago I saw a post on Facebook that basically said we shouldn't kill bugs. I was having a weak moment and decided we weren't going to kill bugs anymore. Let's just remember that Nick and I are so afraid of bugs that we will pay the other one to deal with them or just run around the house screaming until someone gives in and gets the job done. In college, I'd use my roommate's shoe to kill bugs because I didn't want their guts on my own shoes. So this was quite the drastic change.

I got out a little styrofoam cup, drew a spider on it, and it became our insect catcher. Any time we saw a spider, instead of freaking out, screaming bloody murder and climbing up the walls waving my arms madly, I started acting amazed. "WOW! You guys, come here. You have to see this!" My kids, at first, looked at me like I had lost my mind. Probably because I had. Soon we were marveling over spider webs and their intricate designs. Now we count their legs. We count spots on ladybugs. We chase crickets while they hop. We compare sizes. We watch them do their work.

...and when we are done marveling, we catch it in our cup and we take it outside because while we love bugs (love might be a bit of an overstatement), we think they belong in their natural habitat.

I quickly saw a change in how our children value life - even in the creepiest, crawliest form. They now crowd around and talk about cool things they noticed about the spider or they'll name him or guess if it's a he or she or a mom or dad or baby (ALWAYS a baby if you ask Ellie!) They try to figure out where the spider or bug is headed -- usually to papa's house. We read more books about bugs, and we talk about the importance of different bugs - like how the spiders catch the ants in their webs. They are appreciating and seeing the beauty in even the tiniest of God's creations. Not only did I see a huge change in them, but I saw a huge change in MYSELF. I find spiders all the time now, and I really don't freak out which is a pretty huge accomplishment.

Anyway, life went on. Bugs are cool now. I didn't think this was anything big or significant. But then this happened -

Our sweet little girl creates an ant Heaven underneath her chair at the table every.single.time she eats. After one meal, there are enough crumbs to feed a colony of ants for at least 100 years. So we get to deal with that in the summertime. Wanna come over for supper?!

One day Trice yelled, "MOM! Come here! You have to see this!" That usually means I'm going to rush to his side only to find out he wants to show me something super important like a tiny piece of dust. This time he was crouched down staring at something on the floor. So I crouched down, too. And then Ellie crouched down because she really likes to be like us. And he told me, "The ant is carrying a crumb." And he was - a rather large crumb. So we spent the next 20 minutes watching the ant crawl from one side of the kitchen to the deck door to take the food out to his family. We read that sweet little ant "Charlie the Ranch Dog" because.. well, because, Ellie. He'd get lost and turn around and the kids would cheer him on and tell him not to give up. We talked  about perseverance and how heavy that crumb had to be for that tiny little ant but how he didn't let his size define his potential. We talked about how he NEVER gave up - he was going to finish his task even if he got tired, even if he got lost, even if he got scared, even if he really didn't want to carry that crumb anymore. He had to be strong because his family depended on him. When he finally made it outside, my kids cheered as if that ant had won a gold medal at the Olympics. It was a REALLY big deal.

Fast forward a couple weeks..

We were at a music festival and Trice really wanted to go with me to get lunch. It started raining on us on the way to the food vendors so we turned around, ran back to our stuff, and grabbed our rain gear and headed out again. We ordered food for everyone, and there was no way I could carry it all and our umbrella and ponchos. Trice insisted he could carry his walking taco, and I wasn't about to argue with him. We took off and about halfway there I could tell he couldn't hold it much longer, but he didn't complain. I stopped him and said, "Remember that ant in our kitchen who carried that GIANT crumb all the way to the door?" He nodded with a big grin (because I'm pretty sure that moment is etched in his mind forever). I went on to say, "Let's pretend we are just like that ant and we are trying to carry these big pieces of food back to the rest of our family. We have to keep moving even when they get heavy and our arms get tired and even if it starts raining. We might get lost in all these people, but we'll keep trying to find our way." He smiled even bigger and said, "YEAH! Let's be ants!" Trice weaved and bobbed through the people and was determined to make it back. I watched that taco slip further and further out of his fingers, and I really thought this was going end in a disaster. When we finally reached our spot, he sat down exhausted but not defeated. He made it. His walking taco made it. And then it down poured on us - but that's a story for another day.

And then a couple months later this conversation took place -- "Mom, you know the other night when I was trying to get the dive stick at the bottom of papa's pool and it was really hard to get?" .. "I remember." ... "I was just like that ant. I never gave up until I got it! Do you remember that ant, mom?" .. "Oh yes, I remember that ant."

All it takes is just being intentional. I could have just hollered back at Trice, "Be there in a minute." I could have said, "Ewww.. an ant!" and squashed it. I could have said, "Oh cool!" and moved on. And there have been plenty of times when I have chosen that route - including a few times that same week. I'm so thankful I didn't just miss this moment. Instead I embraced it - I put down what I was doing and stepped into their world for a minute and painted a picture for them I really think our family will use again and again in hard situations.

...off to squash.. er.. save some bugs!!

Watching our tiny ant friend work so hard to get food to his family!

The Value of a {Home}

We recently decided to refinance our home. Nick told me a bunch of mumbo jumbo about it and then said, "I haven't told you the only bad news yet." I was expecting something pretty bad, but when he said, "They have to come in our house.. and take pictures.. of every room," I'm pretty sure I died. WAS HE STINKIN' SERIOUS?! My idea of cleaning is shoving EVERYTHING we own in our bedroom five minutes before company arrives and spraying some air freshener. Where do you hide everything when someone is going in EVERY.SINGLE.ROOM?! He was right - it was really bad news.

We are waiting to hear back from the appraiser to see what dollar value he gave our house, and it has me thinking about the true value of this place we call home.

There are some things that you just can't put a price tag on - 

Like that front door where we turned the key to our first house those 7 short years ago when our marriage was new and our dreams were just starting to come true. Before we knew how much joy and heartache and growing life was about to bring. There's that skinny little window next to it where the nose and finger prints are so caked on windex doesn't even stand a chance... not that I've given it one. It's where little faces light up at the sight of daddy or papa or grandma or the garbage man. Where I stand and pray at 5 PM with a child on each hip on hard days knowing as soon as that little blue car pulls up, everyone can breathe again.

And the corner of the living room where that old brown chair sits - the one I've been nursing babies in for 49 months and counting, where we cuddle and read our favorite stories, and where I rock those babies to sleep when they just aren't feeling well - also known as: where I usually get puked on.

That nursery where we brought our first and then second baby home to. Where we've changed at least a gazillion diapers and rubbed backs and sang lullabies and climbed in cribs in desperate attempts to get babies to sleep. Where we've kissed tiny noses and converted cribs to toddler beds to twin-sized beds and onesies to soccer jerseys. Where I used to stand at the doorway and dream about the babies who would sleep there, and now I stand at the doorway and wonder how time has gone by so fast.

I can't leave out the bathtub - I'm convinced when I'm old I'll still hear the splashing and giggles and be able to picture their tiny little bottoms sticking up out of the water. Those post-bathtime snuggles all wrapped up in their towels and robes - you know those sweet moments before the meltdowns happen because it is definitely bedtime. 

Or how about that master bedroom where we've fought, laughed, cried, and learned to forgive. Where we've stayed up all night just talking and reminiscing. Where we've spent many nights with a sleepless little boy in the middle kicking us, where we can't ever see the floor because the laundry is piled so high - a constant reminder that there is life in this house and we have plenty of clothing to keep us warm.

There's that master bathroom where I have that rule to smile in the mirror every morning no matter how wild my hair is and remind myself, "I am loved." It helps me face whatever lies ahead. That's the room where in two separate moments my entire life was changed and my heart wanted to explode with gratitude and joy. Connected to it is the closet where I sometimes hide and lock the door for just a moment of peace. Where I pray for just a little more patience and sometimes where I sneak a Hersheys bar so I don't have to share.

There's the basement where loved ones stay and where most of the fun takes place. Where we become firefighters and astronauts and chefs and puppies.  Where dinosaurs fight great battles and where we rally everyone to play a Cyclone basketball game - better known as the "Trice always wins game." Where we have tea parties and rodeos and races and pet stores and take shelter from scary storms. It's also where most of the spiders live. Want to come visit?!

How about the kitchen?! Our house has an open concept which means the kitchen is always open. Funny how I loved that idea when we first bought the house and now I'd give anything for a door to shut. There's all those times spent baking cookies - measuring and pouring and cracking eggs and tasting dough. The eyes peering into the oven anxiously awaiting daddy's Birthday cake to finish baking. This is where the crumbs sit for days and hangry disagreements are always squashed after a hearty meal. Where the smoke detector goes off more often than I'd like to admit and the floor is usually soaked from little helpers doing the dishes. 

There's the dining room where we've held hands and prayed around the kitchen table. The same table where we sat to feed babies their first taste of real food, battled with willful 2-year-olds to sit down and not throw their plate on the floor, and cleaned up at least 3 million spilled glasses of milk. Where we've learned ketchup sometimes is a main dish and manners are always required. Where two kids excitedly tell their dad the highlights of their day. Where we open our Bible in the mornings to read about God's love for us. Where friends gather and where life just really happens with no distractions. This is also the place where I've learned to eat my cold food in 15 seconds flat. 

How about that backyard with the swing set where she flies so high she can almost touch the clouds, where superheroes fight off villains, and sand castles are built on the daily - so.much.sand. Where we have picnics and run through sprinklers and play tag. Where the neighborhood kids flock to (because #swingset) and the "wish flowers" (dandelions) thrive! This is the place we marvel over God's creations the most - a spider's web, a unique rock, a bird perched on the fence.

And then there's that corner of the backyard where the carrots and tomatoes and peppers grow - where a little boy planted and watered and weeded all summer long and rejoiced when he was able to pick his first crop. Where we talk about hard work and perseverance and all sorts of important life things - like how if you spray the hose at the pepper plant for TOO long, it might actually drown.

There's the front yard where strollers have become trikes which have somehow turned into bikes. Where soccer balls are kicked and baseball bats are swung (sometimes at a sister's face). Where we've drawn at least 100 chalk rainbows and blown millions of bubbles. Where we've sat on the front steps after nap licking homemade popsicles. Where toddlers have escaped halfway down the block in nothing but a diaper with the biggest grin on their faces knowing we actually could not run fast enough to catch them.

That appraiser showed up at our house that day and saw a foundation and walls and structural things. He will put a value on that and we hope it's a good one, but what he couldn't possibly see that day was the love, laughter, joys, milestones, hopes and dreams. He surely had no idea about the sweat, frustrations, disappointments, heartaches, failures, and tears. He's never met the 4 people who are busy building a life inside those walls. All of those things weaved together are what makes this house a home. And that, my friends, makes this home: priceless.

Trust without Borders

"Spirit Lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me." -- Hillsong, Oceans

I have debated sharing this a few million times, and I've typed and erased this at least a few more. We've been pretty quiet about this decision and have only shared with a few friends over the past year or so as we've been prayerfully seeking God's opinion only. Mostly because it's not really anyone's business, but also just because I have reached the point of being able to not feel knocked down by the criticism of those (and there are many) who do not think we are doing the right thing so putting it out there for more people to know is a bit scary. However, I'm feeling compelled to share our story because maybe it will help even one person step forward in something God is calling them to do - whatever that is. I pray that if any of you are struggling to obey because it isn't comfy, cozy, easy, or popular, that you would feel encouraged. So here it goes.. (as always, be prepared for the Grace novel with a lot of adjectives.. it's just what I do!)

A few years ago God put homeschooling on my heart. I thought that was funny and Trice wasn't going to be in school for a few years, so I just kind of did nothing with that. To be honest, I had never even thought about homeschooling. When I thought of raising kids, I imagined school and Valentine's Day parties and Christmas concerts and teacher conferences and tennis matches. ;) I knew homeschooing was a thing, but I never considered it might be our thing. I figured it was just my emotions - sadness over him growing up and being away from me. As the years went by, though, I felt a stronger and stronger call to homeschooling. God placed people in my life and put me in situations where this was further confirmed. I didn't really love the idea because school didn't come easy for me. I worked really, really hard in to succeed - I wasn't born with a smart bone in my body - and I didn't feel equipped for such calling. A couple years ago a family member made the comment that they hoped Trice got Nick's genes so he would be smart. I KNOW they did not mean to offend me, but it struck an insecurity in me and I told myself again, "Yeah, you probably shouldn't homeschool or your kids won't know anything." But God kept on me and my heart continued to feel pulled in that direction, so finally I brought the idea up to Nick. He said something like, "No" and that was that. If he wasn't for it, we weren't doing it. End of story.

Fast forward to this Fall when I VERY reluctantly sent Trice off to 4-year-old preschool. There wasn't a part of me that thought it was the right choice, but I did anyway. He loved it - it was great - I enjoyed the 2 hour break every day, and all went "okay." Crisis struck our family at the beginning of the school year, and I went into survival mode. I was literally just trying to stay afloat while being completely physically and emotionally drained. So all thoughts about anything other than staying above water went to the backburner. But still I knew I wasn't obeying what God had called us to do, and my heart felt it every.single.day. Thankfully, during that difficult time I spent more time reading the Bible than ever before. I poured into God's word. I prayed pretty much every single minute of every single day. I could hear God loud and clear. More people came into my life, more situations, more arrows pointing us in the direction God wanted us to go. I began praying that if this was what we were to do that God would change Nick's heart. I also prayed that if I wasn't getting the right message and we weren't supposed to do this, or if it was just my emotions and not actually God I was listening to, that my heart would be at peace with it.

So several months ago I jokingly said something to Nick about homeschooling to which he replied, "Yeah, that's what we're going to do" as if he had never objected in the first place and had planned on it all along. That's an answer to prayer. Of course as soon as Nick was on board, I panicked. Like full-out panicked. I told him, "NO! I thought you were against it. We can't actually do it. You don't mean that, do you?" He's pretty used to me and my inability to make any decisions so this didn't really surprise him. All of the doubts started creeping in. In one of our Bible studies this Fall, we had to write down something that we felt God was asking us to do or a direction he was leading us in or a relationship he was telling us to work on. I put down homeschooling. Then we had to write down the reasons we didn't think we could do what God was asking us to do or why we weren't doing it or what doubts we had. My doubts were crossed off in a matter of minutes as I sought the truth from His word. When I thought "I'm not smart enough," God said - James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. "I'll be an outsider." God said - 1 Thessalonians 2:4 ... We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts. "I can't do this." God said - Philippians 4:13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength. I could go on and on, but we'd be here all day. I really dug into those verses I had written down. I still couldn't decide, though. For the past couple months Nick and I have gone back and forth - should we send him to Transitional Kindergarten or should we send him to Kindergarten? He doesn't turn 5 until August so what IS the right choice for him? Everyone certainly has their own opinion about it. Neither of the choices seemed to be a good fit, and there is a reason for that.

To be honest, I wasn't really sure WHY God thought we should homeschool or WHY it was even a good idea or even WHY anyone would do it. In fact, for awhile I was just set on NOT doing it. I thought about how excited I was to have time with just Ellie next year to do things with her that I hadn't been able to do. I thought about how easy my days would be. I thought about how Trice would go to school, I'd be able to talk to all the other moms with Kindergartners and fit in, and how if we homeschooled I'd have to ackwardly make conversation about it and constantly answer questions every time I ran into them anywhere. I thought about those holiday parties he'd miss out on and the dress-up days - you know, all those really super important things. ;) And then the speaker at our women's retreat spoke a phrase that resounds with me every single day for SO many reasons other than just in regards to homeschooling. She said, "You have not been cheated; you have been chosen." It completely changed my perspective. I don't have to know WHY God is calling us to do this, I just have to trust. Sometimes taking a step in obedience feels a bit like walking off the edge of a cliff. You really have no idea where you're going to fall. However, stepping off the edge of a cliff when you KNOW someone has your back, isn't going to let you crash at the bottom, and promises it all to end well isn't really that scary at all. My heart is FINALLY at peace with this because I've finally accepted that this is what God is telling us to do, and we're going to do it.

And I know, trust me, I KNOW many of you are already thinking we are crazy. You're right - we are. We are crazy about living our lives for God because, you know, that whole thing where He gave his son for us. It's a really big deal. I know homeschooled kids get a bad rap because some of them are weird - I taught homeschool PE in college, so yeah, I know. But if you're thinking that - just take a look at Nick and me - we're not exactly the poster people for "normal." We also know plenty of kids in schools who are weird. I'm not sure who gets to define "weird," but if we're weird -- then we're weird. I'm cool with that. I'd rather get to the end of my life and be able to tell God I did all that I could to serve him rather than telling him I only did what was comfortable because I was too busy worrying about what everyone else thought.

Galatians 1:10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

I also want to make it VERY clear that Nick and I are in total support of public and private schools. We both had great experiences growing up in school. We both LOVE teachers. We have many teacher friends and we think they are phenomenal (underpaid and overworked, but phenomenal!) We are so thankful we have a public education system in place and can't imagine what this country would be like without it. We very much understand that God has a plan for each family and each person and while this is what He has called us to do, it isn't what he has called everyone to do - and that's okay. More than likely our children will attend public schools at some point. Maybe not next year but in the future in some realm, they will be a part of the public school system.. and we're cool with that. I'm not going to share our reasons for homeschooling here because that is not really the point of this post, but I am more than willing to share with anyone who wants to have a personal conversation about it.

So this past weekend Nick and I headed to Iowa City for a 3-day conference. We had NO idea what to expect. We thought we'd probably be completely overwhelmed. I figured I'd walk away deciding that homeschooling was, indeed, the worst idea ever and that God would just have to deal with that. ;) That wasn't what happened at all though. We left so filled with encouragement and an even stronger desire to follow God's calling for our family. All of the presenters prayed with and for us and were real and honest about the joys and struggles (and there will be many!) of walking this journey. I felt like I was just in the right place. I was surrounded by others who had also been called to the same thing. We laughed a lot, we cried a little, and we grew closer together. We had 10 hours in the car to really dig in to our reasons for homeschooling, coming up with a vision for what we pray God will do through us and our family, and talking honestly about how hard - really hard - this is all going to be. We vowed to take it day by day letting God lead us. I don't know if we'll home school for one day or six months or two years or forever, but I am so thankful we've come to this decision because I know I would not have been at peace this Fall sending him to school.

Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

In one of the workshops, the speaker made a few points that REALLY hit home with me -- It was how to raise Kingdom-minded kids. She said that obedience is paramount - Showing your children that you are committed to walk by faith and follow God even when it's hard and doesn't make sense. Another point was that perseverance pays off - God delights in calling us to things that seem inhumanly possible so that we seek him more. No, I don't know how to add 2+2 without a calculator. I don't even know what physiology means. I put commas in all the wrong places, and if you ask me to underline a prepositional phrase I'll probably just do a little doodle on the whole paper... so that might scare all you skeptics a little, but it doesn't scare God. He didn't choose me despite my flaws and sins, he chose me BECAUSE of them!

I don't really have a good conclusion to this - just that I pray you will feel encouraged to step out where God is commanding you to take a step. That you will prayerfully make decisions and not just go with the crowd because it is the way it's always been or the popular thing to do. Sometimes trusting God isn't cozy. Sometimes it isn't even what you want to do, but sometimes it's what is right. I pray that you will focus less on fitting in and more on shining your light for Jesus. And if you feel led, that you would pray for us as we step into this adventure without a clue as to what we're getting into. We are officially homeschoolers!!

P.S. This song has been on repeat all year long .. so if you are in a spot where you are having difficulty taking that step forward in obedience, you should probably listen to it as well. ;) Walk on Waves

Grumbling to Gratitude

I'm sitting her in my pajamas on my comfy couch breathing in the delicious smell of cinnamon apples baking in the oven.. I cannot wait to cover them with some ice cream and enjoy every last bite.

I never look forward to Nick travelling. In fact, I usually become a big baby and complain about it for weeks leading up to it and then the whole time he's gone. Then for at least a week after he returns, I make sure he knows how miserable it was without him. Midweek I usually have a little pity party, eat a 1/2 carton of ice cream, and text him about how unfair this is. I sometimes start to feel bitter toward him and his paid vacation. Basically, I just turn it into something so miserable.

But..

Not this time. Not. this. time.

Here's the thing - Nick's job allows me to stay home with my babies every single day. There is nothing I treasure more than this. His job puts food on our table. It heats our home. It is the reason our house is filled with more things than a person should ever have or need. And sometimes - maybe more often than I like - it requires us to be countries apart. This isn't going to change, and I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful because as long as Nick is still travelling, I know that this life that I am so incredibly grateful for is pretty secure (God willing!) 

Before he leaves, I pray for two things.
1. Please keep Nick safe and return him home to me in one piece.
2. Please help me survive.
 End of story.

This time I prayed for more - I prayed that we would do more than just survive. That we would enjoy this week apart, and that we would both bless others and be blessed. I genuinely hope that Nick is enjoying his trip, and that he returns rested and refreshed (because I'm going to the Bahamas next week so he better be ready.. just kidding!) We sure miss him, and I don't love that he's gone - how could I when he's the most helpful husband ever? I'm operating on little sleep and a migraine, but I'm definitely not over here sulking in the corner. I am about to consume some delicious ice cream, but it is NOT because I'm an emotional wreck. It's just because my dad's girlfriend introduced me to the amazingness that is baked apples, and I couldn't resist. 

In fact, this week I am so grateful. Grateful for moments I would have handed off to Nick, middle of the night feedings to bond with my sweet girl that wouldn't have occurred if daddy was here to offer a hug and a binky, an hour long phone call with my oldest brother that I never take time to make (and a clean bathroom because of it - multi-tasking for the win), the cleanest house I've seen in a long time (so everyone I know should come over in the next 5 minutes), and opportunities to remember just how valuable Nick is to this family. I've even enjoyed all the added household responsibilities because I know they have a purpose. I have been so intentional this week. I've made sure meals were prepared ahead of time and we've eaten so healthy. I've napped when I needed to nap. I've freed up our schedule so that my obligations were few. And I've asked for help when help was needed. 

And my kids? They TOTALLY picked up on this. They were the sweetest, most helpful little tiny humans they could possibly be. My heart has been exploding all week long. Trice has stepped up to help me in any way possible, and I'm so proud knowing that he learned by the example of his father.

We've just really had a pretty great week.

If you can't change your circumstances, change your attitude. When you start to complain, give thanks. In doing so, God might even change your heart and all of a sudden those circumstances that seem so terrible will be seen for what they truly are - a blessing.

#itsalmostfriday