...and then I cried.
I mean, it's not that strange for me to cry when I'm not pregnant. So really, it's to be expected when I am.
However, these are just some crazy emotions I'm going through.
Last time I wore these clothes, Trice was safe in my belly. Just a little poppy (okay, by the time I wore them with Trice he was way bigger than a poppy seed.) All the memories of every moment of pregnancy flooded back to me. I don't think I thought about anything else during those days than that tiny baby growing in my belly. I sang to him, read to him, prayed for him... I literally cherished every second. And now - he's 2. The kid wipes his own butt for pete sake. What the heck?! Doesn't he need mommy in the room with him? He can reach the sink. He has a freckle. He gets hurt. His face breaks when he's sad. He's SO big.
How will he handle this? Will he always know we love him so very much and he's special to us? Or will he feel replaced? And then there's these moments we're living right now -- knowing my moments with just him are nearing an end and it's hard. It's hard to let go of that. But I know - I know I will feel so grateful when he has a little playmate. When I see baby smile and light up when Trice walks in the room, I will just know. Someone please tell me these feelings are completely normal - I'm feeling like a crazy woman over here!
I sometimes feel sad when I'm not lost in thoughts and daydreams about this baby 24/7. I'm obviously beyond excited and feel incredibly blessed, but I'm so focused on our little guy that I feel like I don't stop to ponder this sweet baby near enough. I try my hardest to find little moments throughout the day to talk to baby - pray for baby - dream of what baby might look like, might do.
So anyways - I'm excited to bust these maternity clothes right out of the tub and start making memories of this pregnancy wearing them (after a wash, of course!) I'm excited to see how different my tummy will look and know that someday after this baby is born I'll look back with joy on all the days I wore them. I never feel more beautiful and more secure about my body than during pregnancy. Seriously - can I just rock a baby bump my whole life? Thanks.
But.. let's cut to the real heart of these emotions I'm dealing with. I'd basically call it one emotion -- guilt.
Before I had Trice, I was SO naive. I didn't do my research. I didn't look too much into things. I wasn't in the "mommy club" so I was pretty far separated from all those things they seem to discuss in "mommy club." When I discovered a friend was struggling to get pregnant, I prayed and wished them well. I didn't know that it was really so much more than that. When friends lost babies, I seemed so distant from it. I'd cry for them, pray for them, but I still didn't REALLY understand.
Then it all changed. My heart started beating outside my own body, and I knew. I won't ever pretend I have walked in their shoes, but I had a better understanding of what it must feel like to ever lose that. Unthinkable. I couldn't fathom losing Trice. But I've watched as friends lose their babies during pregnancy, right after birth, to SIDS, and later on...
I've prayed with friends who have been struggling with infertility and dream of nothing more than holding a baby of their own in their arms someday.
So, yes - I'm feeling guilty. I'm feeling guilty that I'm able to carry a child - I'm NO better than any of those close friends who so badly want to have a child of their own or grow their family. I prayed for this baby - but they've prayed just as much for a baby who just never comes... why is that fair?
Or maybe they prayed for that baby they had to say goodbye to at 11 weeks.. 10 weeks.. 12 weeks.. 20 weeks.. 7 months. I've watched the ache, the sadness creep into their lives and take over where joy should have been spilling out. And it hurts me.
I had the hardest time sharing the news of my pregnancy with some of these friends. I knew that while they would be so happy for us and would pray for us and congratulate us, their heart would ache for what wasn't there or what was lost.
And then I did this thing that was like stabbing the knife deeper in - I announced my pregnancy on Facebook. And I regret it. I never would have felt bad before, but knowing that I had friends who were hurting - it's something I should not have done. I can't imagine what it felt like to see yet another announcement. I wondered - when you've lost or when you yearn to have - are you able to look at those and feel joy? Or does it just put salt in your wounds? I'm not sure. I try to think of being in that place - on the other side of this joy - and I don't know how I would feel. In fact, I'm terrified. Right now we're nearing the end of the first trimester. So far, things seem great. I know that at any point everything could change in one instant. My world could come crashing down. But I'm doing my best to be positive and relish in the joy of every moment with this sweet babe.
I believe every single baby is a gift from above - a blessing. I think all life should be celebrated. And so even buried deep in this guilt, I am choosing to celebrate this life growing inside of me. I'm celebrating this life for those who aren't able or whose celebration ended far too soon. I vow to be the best mommy I can possibly be - knowing I'm nowhere near perfect - and to love this child with all I have ... I vow to stop letting guilt steal my joy because I would NEVER want guilt to take away from anyone else's happiness. I can't make anything happen for my friends. I can't take away any pain. I know who can - and he is so much more powerful than I ever will be. So I'm going to lean on him. I'm going to stop questioning his reasoning, his timing, and remember that he is a loving God. I'm going to continue to pray for those who are hurting, longing, aching. Those who see yet another Facebook announcement and spend their evening crying. Those who dream at night of those precious souls who went home to Heaven. May God comfort you all - you are all so special to me.
.. and now, back to washing those maternity clothes!
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5
