Left It In the Water |10.15.17|

On October 15th, Nick, Jake, and I were baptized at our church. It was a powerful morning as the three of us shared our testimonies of how we came to know Christ. We all three had very different stories, but the powerful part was how they were all weaved together -- all part of God's grand design for our lives. This was a morning I will never forget for the rest of my life! 

My friends thought it was hilarious that I had my testimony typed out .. like they should have expected anything less. #mylovelanguageiswords

Nick's testimony definitely got the tears going. Watching God change this man's heart and work in his life has been nothing short of breathtaking. I'm grateful every day he came to know Christ! He is a man of few words, but that morning he put it perfectly into words how God transformed him. I can't wait to see what God has in store for his life!! 

Loved sharing this morning with my brothers!

I was baptized as an infant, grew up in a Christian home with two incredibly loving parents, and had a wonderful childhood. I don’t remember being at church every Sunday, but I do have many memories of Sunday school and confirmation so I know we attended frequently and I believed in God at a very young age.

Most of my life, I just kind of went through the motions with no real purpose. I thought if I always did what was right, God would be pleased and never punish me. I tried to control everyone and everything around me to create this perfect image of myself. I became obsessed with being perfect, or at least appearing perfect, and spent a lot of time and energy trying to maintain that image to the point I became not only crippled with fear and anxiety but also pretty conceited.

In May 2010, Nick and I graduated from college, got married, and moved to Spirit Lake all in one month and life started to get really, really tough. Nick wasn’t a believer at the time so while he was still an amazing husband, I was expecting from him what I should have been turning to Jesus for and it made that first year of marriage difficult for both of us as I experienced a lot of grief and loss that year. Life continued to throw one hard thing after another and I quickly realized I could not control all that was happening around me and ended up feeling defeated when I had no power to change things. I had no solid ground to stand on, and I felt very alone.

I remember struggling with post-partum depression and one evening I was rocking our newborn when I heard a knock at the door and this man Nick had met once or twice at a small group through CrossWinds handed over a meal for us. We hadn’t even stepped foot inside Crosswinds, but here they were showing up to love on us during an overwhelming time. We were completely blown away by this kindness and I told Nick maybe he should go to that small group again.. because I like free food, but also because I thought these were the kind of people we should be hanging around. Then I was invited to a Crosswinds ladies night on the Queen by Nick’s coworker’s wife. I remember being so excited and thought it was very sweet of her to invite me. That night I met many ladies who were welcoming and filled with the spirit, and I felt so encouraged by them. After that, Nick and I decided to give CrossWinds a try.

It was in this very church that I began to really get to know who Christ is and start living for Him. I met a Father who is so good, so faithful, so patient and so loving. I became a woman who knows she is treasured even with all her imperfections. I no longer have to put on a show or try to be perfect because God accepts me as I am – a sinner in need of His grace every single day.

I have stopped trying to control the difficult situations in my life and instead trust God to be the author of my story.  As I’ve grown closer to Christ, everything about my life from my marriage, to how we parent our children, to our friendships has changed for the better. I’m no longer afraid of being punished by God but instead living in the freedom that I don’t at all deserve but he so graciously offers. I’ve been able to witness God repairing broken relationships and turning completely hopeless situations around for His good. My heart is on fire for Jesus and because I’ve tasted his goodness, I want to love his people and go out and tell the world of His unfailing love for us. Not because it makes me look good or is a reflection of who I am, but because it is a reflection of who Jesus is and we just never know when someone out there needs to see Him through us.

Time and time again, people and things of this world have failed me miserably, but I serve a God who will never, ever fail me and there’s just nothing that gives me more hope than the promise of an eternity with Him. Today I want to publicly proclaim that I am a daughter of Christ and living every day of my life to glorify Him.

Lanolin, Mastitis, and One Long Nursing Journey ... My Farewell Message!

52 month or 4 years, 4 months. However you want to do the math... I probably didn't even do it correctly. 

That's how much of my life I've spent with a baby hooked to me. For awhile it was 24/7, then it was every few hours, then it was just a few times a day, and down to just morning and night.. 

...and then it was just over.

Eliana decided last week she was done nursing, and I've been a little emotional about it. Because for a really long time now, I've been nursing a baby in that rocking chair (or on the bathroom floor while simultaneously stopping a toddler's bloody nose, or on the kitchen floor while cooking dinner, or on the side of the road, or while sleeping!) It's just been a part of our life for so long that it feels a little strange to not do it.

And while it's a blessing that she decided on her own (no-stress weaning right there) and that I was able to nurse her for so long, it's still bittersweet. There's a very strong possibility my nursing days are over, and that's kind of a hard thing for me to accept. I'm also not quite ready for her to be a big girl yet. She's out of her crib and almost out of her diapers and she talks like a big girl and she knows all the words to Amazing Grace and she can count .. and I felt like this nursing thing was really her last little tie to babyhood.

I'm one of those people who genuinely enjoyed nursing my babies. It was a really wonderful, rewarding, positive experience for me. However, it wasn't always easy and I think it's important for me to be real about that. Those first days with a newborn when I had NO idea what I was doing and felt like I needed at least 8 hands and couldn't believe the nurses sent me home and I'd have to figure it out while in some crazy hormonal state wearing padsicles. Then there were the days of trying to coordinate grocery trips and outings with feedings, but since I always fed on demand - it was pretty unpredictable for awhile. And then when the second baby came and I was all like, "Leave me alone. I got this" and wondered why my newborn couldn't just get 'er done like my toddler did because I forgot that's not how it worked in the beginning days. Sometimes I struggled to produce and cried over spilled milk, I loathed pumping, my second baby refused a bottle, I once had double mastitis and more clogged ducts than I cared to keep track of, I fell victim to the freezer stash comparison nonsense, and sometimes I was desperate for sleep and just wanted to cut my boobs off and glue them on Nick. And let's not forget all the pressure I got to stop nursing Ellie when she was struggling to gain weight - but I'm so thankful my mama heart knew better and I pressed on.. just look at her now. So no, it wasn't always rainbows and butterflies, but looking back now it was literally a half a blink. That's it. Not even a full one. 

Yep, I half-blinked and the next thing I knew that first baby was falling asleep in his bed without us beside him and without crawling into our bed in the middle of the night anymore. And that second little baby was just asking for a book in the morning and a glass of milk and doing all sorts of big girl things with little time to stop for a snuggle. 

I know breastfeeding isn't for everyone - Sometimes it doesn't work out. Or maybe you don't even want to breastfeed. Or maybe you think I'm completely crazy for nursing a walking, talking, human being. That's okay, too. Fed REALLY is best and please don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. But I hope if you are nursing a new baby tonight or are in the thick of it or think maybe you want to give it a try, you feel encouraged. Because 4 years flew by for me, and I'm certain it will for you, too. And before you know it you'll be tossing out the pump and donating those breast pads and finally ditching your nursing bras with one thread left for real ones (I forgot what a real bra feels like.. life changing!) You'll throw away all that lanolin and coconut oil. And you might just glance at that kid whose way too big to even fit in your arms and try to remember what it felt like when they were so tiny and nuzzled right up close to you with their tiny fingers on your neck depending on you for everything and think - 4 years, huh? That was really 4 years? And maybe, just maybe, like me - you'll wish you hadn't half-blinked. 

Can anyone guess her favorite color?!

**Next week I'm having some tests done. I've been somewhat putting them off due to nursing, so when the nurse called yesterday telling me it was time to schedule a follow-up test, I realized why Ellie decided to stop nursing last week. All in God's perfect timing. No need to be worried about the tests - just trying to find the culprit to some symptoms that have us all stumped - but prayers for my anxious heart to have peace in the waiting are always appreciated.**