In the Eye of the Storm

On Thursday, I decided I would break up my 4 hour trip by stopping halfway and spending the night at my best friend's house. We were going to have supper and let the kids play, and then I'd get on the road in the morning. My plan was to pick T up from preschool and be on my way. However, it was nothing short of a monsoon at that time, and I decided to wait it out. I HATE driving, and I really hate storms - so I decided to save myself a panic attack. I waited and waited and tried to decide if I should even go. Finally Nick told me I had to just go so I popped the kids in the car and went on my way... 

For the next four hours (yep, the 2 hour trip took me FOUR hours), it stormed. And what did I do? Well, a lot of things... including crying, panicking, pulling over - a lot, praying to God, and most importantly writing this post in my head. I mean, that's what most people do when they're trying to keep themselves and two babies alive on a highway.. right?

Folks, I'm going through a storm. It is the darkest storm I've encountered in life thus far, and I have a long road ahead. In a Bible study I finished last year, we learned how the enemy attacks us and as we grow stronger in our faith, the enemy fights harder to pull us away. Last year was a year of incredible growth in my faith - I literally witnessed miracles that I did not think I would see happen in this lifetime. I am totally on fire for Jesus, and I really didn't think anything was going to knock me down. A few weeks ago, I realized the enemy wasn't finished with me yet.

I couldn't help but notice the resemblance of the storm I drove through on Thursday night and the storm raging around me. There was little warning that I would be in for a long drive that night, and there was little warning that today I would be sitting here praying for miracles. I look back at the days before this storm began .. even the months .. and sure, there were a few "watches," but much like the storm that night that followed me the entire way, I just didn't think things were as bad as they really are... if I had, I surely would have pulled over and taken cover...

{The rain pounded on my windshield. I gripped the wheel until my knuckles were white. I tried and tried to focus on the yellow and white lines in front of me, but everything was a blur. My babies fussed and whined in the backseat, but I drowned it out. My only focus was to make it through the storm. I felt scared. Terrified. I was alone. I had no idea where I was - closed/flooded roads and detours, a malfunctioning GPS, and a husband who wasn't near his phone were to blame.}

This is exactly how life feels right now. The rain keeps falling - there is no pause. There is no break in the storm. It's one continuous downpour that just wont end. My only focus is on the stormy skies and while life around me seems to be going on as usual, my life is on standstill. Everything ahead seems so uncertain, so scary, and with no direction. Just like on that night, I have cried out to God. I have fallen to my knees. I have begged and pleaded. And yet the storm does not let up. 

{I called Nick over and over again asking for directions - something to get me back on track - because to me, north is what is in front of me. Very, very helpful in this situation.}

The last few weeks I have done the same - I have asked God for direction. I have searched for the right scripture to tell me which way I should go. I have "slept"with my Christian station blaring on Pandora. I have prayed for wisdom. I have even yelled (much like I yelled at Nick that night when he just couldn't fix the situation).  My heart has raced and pounded so hard I thought it might burst out of my chest.

{When I'd start to think I couldn't go any further, Nick would say, "Just go 15 more miles and the radar shows you're in the clear."}

Each night, I go to bed thinking - "Well, we made it through today." The radar in life isn't showing any signs of clearing up ahead soon - there's no "all clear" siren ringing out in front of me. I also don't hear "Just go a few more days .. a few more months .. " and everything will be just fine again; life will go back to normal. The truth is - life won't ever be the same - it will forever be a search for storm warnings, for signals that something just isn't quite right, that danger lies ahead. It will be hallelujahs when months go by without any downpours and small victories will bring me to my knees in thanksgiving. The storm will pass - I know this for certain - but the gray skies will linger and the clouds will be waiting to burst at any moment.

{I shook and tried to hold back tears because that would have made it even more difficult to see. I kept thinking, "God, could you just make the rain stop so I can see the rest of the way there?" Spoiler alert: He didn't. In fact, it was a torrential downpour the ENTIRE way. It never once let up. But what amazed me most was that every now and then when I REALLLY didn't want to continue (yes, the thought of calling Nick and making him drive to come get me DID cross my mind), lightening would light up the entire sky. I would be able to look ahead in the distance and see the road in front of me, and I would feel safe enough to just go a littler further. I would look as far ahead as I could in those brief moments and memorize if there was a curve or anything up ahead. And each time lightening lit up the sky, I remembered to thank God .. for a flash of hope, for keeping us safe that far. I never stopped trusting that He would get me safely to my destination .. even if it was going to take twice the amount of time.}

I'm scared. I'm hurting. I'm a little lost. But God keeps lighting up the sky - little glimmers of hope like a lightening bolt that tell me, "You will make it," "You've got this," "Just keep going." God has proven, even in a few short weeks, that He will not leave my side when the storms are raging.

{And at the end of my trip, there wasn't a rainbow because .. it was still raining .. BUT there were open arms to greet me, a kitchen table to sit at and chat for hours with a friend I miss dearly, and the most comfortable bed to rest my sore muscles. After clenching a wheel and my teeth for four hours, I was exhausted. There was a hearty breakfast and a few hours of endless giggles from sweet little kids. The next day even brought sunshine.}

 It was much like I imagine Heaven to be - peaceful, without worry, paradise. Here's the thing - God doesn't promise me that tomorrow I will wake up to blue skies. He doesn't promise that I'll know the answers any time soon or maybe ever. He never said the storm will pass overnight. But He does promise peace - he promises hope - whether it be on this side of Heaven or not  - there is hope. I know that when I fall into His loving arms and release all of my control to him - because really, nothing is in my control - He will catch me. He will light up the sky, and I will look ahead - move forward - and rest in His great name. And through it all, I'll thank Him because as one of my favorite Bible verses says: 

Romans 5:3-5 "but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." 

I made it safely through the storm that night, and I will make it safely through this storm. {In the meantime, just be kind - and pray!}

***Edit: I wrote this post several days ago - and already God has been answering prayers and working things out for His glory. There have been many more lightening flashes and there have also been more showers. I am truly amazed by His love and His plans, and I will continue to walk in His light. God is good - ALL the time.***

In the Eye of the Storm

15 Paper Chains

As if my heart wasn't already broken, apparently I felt the need to crush it into tiny little fragments so that it could never be sewn back together again. Ugh.

I started our Shutterfly photo book of our summer tonight - bad idea. Bad, bad, bad idea.

Let's just start by saying this was the BEST summer of my entire life. The summer before my junior year of high school, I spent every day with a girl named Lauren, and I also started getting to know Nick - some really great guy who ended up thinking I was alright, too. Lauren and I used to change the lyrics of "summer of '69" to "summer before '05" because we declared it the BEST. SUMMER. EVER. None of the lyrics really applied other than it being the best days of our lives ... but #teenagers. At the time, I really didn't think it could get much better than that. And then it did.

Last summer was pretty great. It was our first summer with Eliana. She was tiny and sweet and slept at the park and went along with all our adventures without much fussing. I was busy figuring out the ropes of being a mom of two and what that meant for naps and feedings and being responsible for keeping TWO humans alive. Most days I just tried to figure out how to get out of the house without some major crisis or explosion.. still, it was pretty great.

Eliana seems to think "great" might be an overstatement. Her face is pretty similar to what mine has looked like that past few nights. 

But this summer? I can literally smell the sunscreen, feel the gritty sand beneath my feet, and taste the s'more please ice cream when I close my eyes. (**Have you had s'more please ice cream? Please do NOT let summer slip by without finishing at least 3 cartons.**) I am so certain that someday when I look back on the years I spent raising kiddos, this summer will top the charts. It makes me a tiny bit sad they won't remember ANY of it, but I hope the adventures we continue to find as they grow are etched in their tiny souls and bring nothing but laughter and joy. I hope the pictures and videos we took take them back to the thrill of waves nearly knocking them to the ground, the taste of melted marshmallows and chocolate oozing from a graham cracker, the sound of giggles echoing as they swung back and forth and raced down the slides, and the warmth of a sunny day beating down on their sweet little faces.

Trice has requested we make a paper chain countdown to school tomorrow. He's been asking for awhile, but I couldn't bring myself to do it just yet .. or maybe I had to muster up the patience to watch him sloooowwwly cut out that many strips and glue them together with 800 drops of glue per strip. Either way, it's happening. He's counting down the days with excitement, and I'm counting down the days with the biggest lump in my throat. I'm so sad I could puke.. I'm not sure if that's a thing, but my body aches at the thought of saying goodbye to the past few months .. the thought of him growing, of Eliana growing, of life with littles passing by so quickly. 

So when you see me at the open house and I can't even form a sentence without a stream of tears falling, or when I linger in the hallway at drop off on the first day debating whether I can ACTUALLY leave half of my heart for 3 whole hours, or when I type the billionth sappy status about how I just can't believe summer is over and my baby is going to school - just know that I'm not ONLY in denial that my little boy is old enough to spread his wings, but I'm also saying goodbye to endless days of the three of us together and the carefree life we have lived for four years. 

I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll make that paper chain countdown, and I'll still be in denial we are actually counting down until the end of this memorable summer and the beginning of a new chapter I fear will fly by in the blink of an eye. I'll do it with a smile because I know that he doesn't get it. He won't get it. Not until he falls asleep holding his 4-year-old baby someday and stares at those perfect eyelashes, those little hands that still have a hint of chubby toddler left in them, and that angelic face that turns me to mush.

Until Labor Day... I'm clinging.. I'm clinging tight. I refuse to let it be over until it's REALLY over. In the beginning, it seemed endless. The lazy mornings, the days at the park, the picnics, the late night water fights and after supper giggles on the swing set, the fireworks, the ice cream truck, the worms, the dirt, the sand, the hours at the beach, the dirty bath water, the bike rides, the backyard baseball games, the whirl of amusement park rides, the walks around the lake, the concerts, and the late nights with friends because it was just TOO nice to go to bed.

After Labor Day, I'll simply accept it - I mean, I could pull him from preschool (don't tempt me!), but summer will STILL fade to Fall and my kids will still grow and someday my house will still be empty. There is no other choice than to say hello to this new season with grace - trusting that what God has in store will somehow be even richer than the seasons we have behind us, trusting that God will guide me as I learn the ropes of drop-off and pick-up and how to correctly sign forms (because apparently just because they put "no" as an option doesn't mean it's actually an option .. not that I'm speaking from experience or anything), and trusting God as I loosen the reigns and let the real life lessons begin knowing I have done all I can and will continue to do all I can to raise littles who know they are so loved and so special and put here for a purpose. Though the tears are winning for now, I am certain there will be much joy ahead. 

So to the summer that I thought would never end - here's to the last 15 paper chains. Do not disappoint. 

(In case you're confused .. I wrote this blog last night but stayed up way too late listening to way too many sad songs about babies growing up so I couldn't post it until today!)

"I'd always want to be there - those were the best days of my life .. back in the summer of 2016?!?!"