Grumbling to Gratitude

I'm sitting her in my pajamas on my comfy couch breathing in the delicious smell of cinnamon apples baking in the oven.. I cannot wait to cover them with some ice cream and enjoy every last bite.

I never look forward to Nick travelling. In fact, I usually become a big baby and complain about it for weeks leading up to it and then the whole time he's gone. Then for at least a week after he returns, I make sure he knows how miserable it was without him. Midweek I usually have a little pity party, eat a 1/2 carton of ice cream, and text him about how unfair this is. I sometimes start to feel bitter toward him and his paid vacation. Basically, I just turn it into something so miserable.

But..

Not this time. Not. this. time.

Here's the thing - Nick's job allows me to stay home with my babies every single day. There is nothing I treasure more than this. His job puts food on our table. It heats our home. It is the reason our house is filled with more things than a person should ever have or need. And sometimes - maybe more often than I like - it requires us to be countries apart. This isn't going to change, and I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful because as long as Nick is still travelling, I know that this life that I am so incredibly grateful for is pretty secure (God willing!) 

Before he leaves, I pray for two things.
1. Please keep Nick safe and return him home to me in one piece.
2. Please help me survive.
 End of story.

This time I prayed for more - I prayed that we would do more than just survive. That we would enjoy this week apart, and that we would both bless others and be blessed. I genuinely hope that Nick is enjoying his trip, and that he returns rested and refreshed (because I'm going to the Bahamas next week so he better be ready.. just kidding!) We sure miss him, and I don't love that he's gone - how could I when he's the most helpful husband ever? I'm operating on little sleep and a migraine, but I'm definitely not over here sulking in the corner. I am about to consume some delicious ice cream, but it is NOT because I'm an emotional wreck. It's just because my dad's girlfriend introduced me to the amazingness that is baked apples, and I couldn't resist. 

In fact, this week I am so grateful. Grateful for moments I would have handed off to Nick, middle of the night feedings to bond with my sweet girl that wouldn't have occurred if daddy was here to offer a hug and a binky, an hour long phone call with my oldest brother that I never take time to make (and a clean bathroom because of it - multi-tasking for the win), the cleanest house I've seen in a long time (so everyone I know should come over in the next 5 minutes), and opportunities to remember just how valuable Nick is to this family. I've even enjoyed all the added household responsibilities because I know they have a purpose. I have been so intentional this week. I've made sure meals were prepared ahead of time and we've eaten so healthy. I've napped when I needed to nap. I've freed up our schedule so that my obligations were few. And I've asked for help when help was needed. 

And my kids? They TOTALLY picked up on this. They were the sweetest, most helpful little tiny humans they could possibly be. My heart has been exploding all week long. Trice has stepped up to help me in any way possible, and I'm so proud knowing that he learned by the example of his father.

We've just really had a pretty great week.

If you can't change your circumstances, change your attitude. When you start to complain, give thanks. In doing so, God might even change your heart and all of a sudden those circumstances that seem so terrible will be seen for what they truly are - a blessing.

#itsalmostfriday 

In the Eye of the Storm

On Thursday, I decided I would break up my 4 hour trip by stopping halfway and spending the night at my best friend's house. We were going to have supper and let the kids play, and then I'd get on the road in the morning. My plan was to pick T up from preschool and be on my way. However, it was nothing short of a monsoon at that time, and I decided to wait it out. I HATE driving, and I really hate storms - so I decided to save myself a panic attack. I waited and waited and tried to decide if I should even go. Finally Nick told me I had to just go so I popped the kids in the car and went on my way... 

For the next four hours (yep, the 2 hour trip took me FOUR hours), it stormed. And what did I do? Well, a lot of things... including crying, panicking, pulling over - a lot, praying to God, and most importantly writing this post in my head. I mean, that's what most people do when they're trying to keep themselves and two babies alive on a highway.. right?

Folks, I'm going through a storm. It is the darkest storm I've encountered in life thus far, and I have a long road ahead. In a Bible study I finished last year, we learned how the enemy attacks us and as we grow stronger in our faith, the enemy fights harder to pull us away. Last year was a year of incredible growth in my faith - I literally witnessed miracles that I did not think I would see happen in this lifetime. I am totally on fire for Jesus, and I really didn't think anything was going to knock me down. A few weeks ago, I realized the enemy wasn't finished with me yet.

I couldn't help but notice the resemblance of the storm I drove through on Thursday night and the storm raging around me. There was little warning that I would be in for a long drive that night, and there was little warning that today I would be sitting here praying for miracles. I look back at the days before this storm began .. even the months .. and sure, there were a few "watches," but much like the storm that night that followed me the entire way, I just didn't think things were as bad as they really are... if I had, I surely would have pulled over and taken cover...

{The rain pounded on my windshield. I gripped the wheel until my knuckles were white. I tried and tried to focus on the yellow and white lines in front of me, but everything was a blur. My babies fussed and whined in the backseat, but I drowned it out. My only focus was to make it through the storm. I felt scared. Terrified. I was alone. I had no idea where I was - closed/flooded roads and detours, a malfunctioning GPS, and a husband who wasn't near his phone were to blame.}

This is exactly how life feels right now. The rain keeps falling - there is no pause. There is no break in the storm. It's one continuous downpour that just wont end. My only focus is on the stormy skies and while life around me seems to be going on as usual, my life is on standstill. Everything ahead seems so uncertain, so scary, and with no direction. Just like on that night, I have cried out to God. I have fallen to my knees. I have begged and pleaded. And yet the storm does not let up. 

{I called Nick over and over again asking for directions - something to get me back on track - because to me, north is what is in front of me. Very, very helpful in this situation.}

The last few weeks I have done the same - I have asked God for direction. I have searched for the right scripture to tell me which way I should go. I have "slept"with my Christian station blaring on Pandora. I have prayed for wisdom. I have even yelled (much like I yelled at Nick that night when he just couldn't fix the situation).  My heart has raced and pounded so hard I thought it might burst out of my chest.

{When I'd start to think I couldn't go any further, Nick would say, "Just go 15 more miles and the radar shows you're in the clear."}

Each night, I go to bed thinking - "Well, we made it through today." The radar in life isn't showing any signs of clearing up ahead soon - there's no "all clear" siren ringing out in front of me. I also don't hear "Just go a few more days .. a few more months .. " and everything will be just fine again; life will go back to normal. The truth is - life won't ever be the same - it will forever be a search for storm warnings, for signals that something just isn't quite right, that danger lies ahead. It will be hallelujahs when months go by without any downpours and small victories will bring me to my knees in thanksgiving. The storm will pass - I know this for certain - but the gray skies will linger and the clouds will be waiting to burst at any moment.

{I shook and tried to hold back tears because that would have made it even more difficult to see. I kept thinking, "God, could you just make the rain stop so I can see the rest of the way there?" Spoiler alert: He didn't. In fact, it was a torrential downpour the ENTIRE way. It never once let up. But what amazed me most was that every now and then when I REALLLY didn't want to continue (yes, the thought of calling Nick and making him drive to come get me DID cross my mind), lightening would light up the entire sky. I would be able to look ahead in the distance and see the road in front of me, and I would feel safe enough to just go a littler further. I would look as far ahead as I could in those brief moments and memorize if there was a curve or anything up ahead. And each time lightening lit up the sky, I remembered to thank God .. for a flash of hope, for keeping us safe that far. I never stopped trusting that He would get me safely to my destination .. even if it was going to take twice the amount of time.}

I'm scared. I'm hurting. I'm a little lost. But God keeps lighting up the sky - little glimmers of hope like a lightening bolt that tell me, "You will make it," "You've got this," "Just keep going." God has proven, even in a few short weeks, that He will not leave my side when the storms are raging.

{And at the end of my trip, there wasn't a rainbow because .. it was still raining .. BUT there were open arms to greet me, a kitchen table to sit at and chat for hours with a friend I miss dearly, and the most comfortable bed to rest my sore muscles. After clenching a wheel and my teeth for four hours, I was exhausted. There was a hearty breakfast and a few hours of endless giggles from sweet little kids. The next day even brought sunshine.}

 It was much like I imagine Heaven to be - peaceful, without worry, paradise. Here's the thing - God doesn't promise me that tomorrow I will wake up to blue skies. He doesn't promise that I'll know the answers any time soon or maybe ever. He never said the storm will pass overnight. But He does promise peace - he promises hope - whether it be on this side of Heaven or not  - there is hope. I know that when I fall into His loving arms and release all of my control to him - because really, nothing is in my control - He will catch me. He will light up the sky, and I will look ahead - move forward - and rest in His great name. And through it all, I'll thank Him because as one of my favorite Bible verses says: 

Romans 5:3-5 "but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." 

I made it safely through the storm that night, and I will make it safely through this storm. {In the meantime, just be kind - and pray!}

***Edit: I wrote this post several days ago - and already God has been answering prayers and working things out for His glory. There have been many more lightening flashes and there have also been more showers. I am truly amazed by His love and His plans, and I will continue to walk in His light. God is good - ALL the time.***

In the Eye of the Storm