Trust without Borders

"Spirit Lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me." -- Hillsong, Oceans

I have debated sharing this a few million times, and I've typed and erased this at least a few more. We've been pretty quiet about this decision and have only shared with a few friends over the past year or so as we've been prayerfully seeking God's opinion only. Mostly because it's not really anyone's business, but also just because I have reached the point of being able to not feel knocked down by the criticism of those (and there are many) who do not think we are doing the right thing so putting it out there for more people to know is a bit scary. However, I'm feeling compelled to share our story because maybe it will help even one person step forward in something God is calling them to do - whatever that is. I pray that if any of you are struggling to obey because it isn't comfy, cozy, easy, or popular, that you would feel encouraged. So here it goes.. (as always, be prepared for the Grace novel with a lot of adjectives.. it's just what I do!)

A few years ago God put homeschooling on my heart. I thought that was funny and Trice wasn't going to be in school for a few years, so I just kind of did nothing with that. To be honest, I had never even thought about homeschooling. When I thought of raising kids, I imagined school and Valentine's Day parties and Christmas concerts and teacher conferences and tennis matches. ;) I knew homeschooing was a thing, but I never considered it might be our thing. I figured it was just my emotions - sadness over him growing up and being away from me. As the years went by, though, I felt a stronger and stronger call to homeschooling. God placed people in my life and put me in situations where this was further confirmed. I didn't really love the idea because school didn't come easy for me. I worked really, really hard in to succeed - I wasn't born with a smart bone in my body - and I didn't feel equipped for such calling. A couple years ago a family member made the comment that they hoped Trice got Nick's genes so he would be smart. I KNOW they did not mean to offend me, but it struck an insecurity in me and I told myself again, "Yeah, you probably shouldn't homeschool or your kids won't know anything." But God kept on me and my heart continued to feel pulled in that direction, so finally I brought the idea up to Nick. He said something like, "No" and that was that. If he wasn't for it, we weren't doing it. End of story.

Fast forward to this Fall when I VERY reluctantly sent Trice off to 4-year-old preschool. There wasn't a part of me that thought it was the right choice, but I did anyway. He loved it - it was great - I enjoyed the 2 hour break every day, and all went "okay." Crisis struck our family at the beginning of the school year, and I went into survival mode. I was literally just trying to stay afloat while being completely physically and emotionally drained. So all thoughts about anything other than staying above water went to the backburner. But still I knew I wasn't obeying what God had called us to do, and my heart felt it every.single.day. Thankfully, during that difficult time I spent more time reading the Bible than ever before. I poured into God's word. I prayed pretty much every single minute of every single day. I could hear God loud and clear. More people came into my life, more situations, more arrows pointing us in the direction God wanted us to go. I began praying that if this was what we were to do that God would change Nick's heart. I also prayed that if I wasn't getting the right message and we weren't supposed to do this, or if it was just my emotions and not actually God I was listening to, that my heart would be at peace with it.

So several months ago I jokingly said something to Nick about homeschooling to which he replied, "Yeah, that's what we're going to do" as if he had never objected in the first place and had planned on it all along. That's an answer to prayer. Of course as soon as Nick was on board, I panicked. Like full-out panicked. I told him, "NO! I thought you were against it. We can't actually do it. You don't mean that, do you?" He's pretty used to me and my inability to make any decisions so this didn't really surprise him. All of the doubts started creeping in. In one of our Bible studies this Fall, we had to write down something that we felt God was asking us to do or a direction he was leading us in or a relationship he was telling us to work on. I put down homeschooling. Then we had to write down the reasons we didn't think we could do what God was asking us to do or why we weren't doing it or what doubts we had. My doubts were crossed off in a matter of minutes as I sought the truth from His word. When I thought "I'm not smart enough," God said - James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. "I'll be an outsider." God said - 1 Thessalonians 2:4 ... We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts. "I can't do this." God said - Philippians 4:13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength. I could go on and on, but we'd be here all day. I really dug into those verses I had written down. I still couldn't decide, though. For the past couple months Nick and I have gone back and forth - should we send him to Transitional Kindergarten or should we send him to Kindergarten? He doesn't turn 5 until August so what IS the right choice for him? Everyone certainly has their own opinion about it. Neither of the choices seemed to be a good fit, and there is a reason for that.

To be honest, I wasn't really sure WHY God thought we should homeschool or WHY it was even a good idea or even WHY anyone would do it. In fact, for awhile I was just set on NOT doing it. I thought about how excited I was to have time with just Ellie next year to do things with her that I hadn't been able to do. I thought about how easy my days would be. I thought about how Trice would go to school, I'd be able to talk to all the other moms with Kindergartners and fit in, and how if we homeschooled I'd have to ackwardly make conversation about it and constantly answer questions every time I ran into them anywhere. I thought about those holiday parties he'd miss out on and the dress-up days - you know, all those really super important things. ;) And then the speaker at our women's retreat spoke a phrase that resounds with me every single day for SO many reasons other than just in regards to homeschooling. She said, "You have not been cheated; you have been chosen." It completely changed my perspective. I don't have to know WHY God is calling us to do this, I just have to trust. Sometimes taking a step in obedience feels a bit like walking off the edge of a cliff. You really have no idea where you're going to fall. However, stepping off the edge of a cliff when you KNOW someone has your back, isn't going to let you crash at the bottom, and promises it all to end well isn't really that scary at all. My heart is FINALLY at peace with this because I've finally accepted that this is what God is telling us to do, and we're going to do it.

And I know, trust me, I KNOW many of you are already thinking we are crazy. You're right - we are. We are crazy about living our lives for God because, you know, that whole thing where He gave his son for us. It's a really big deal. I know homeschooled kids get a bad rap because some of them are weird - I taught homeschool PE in college, so yeah, I know. But if you're thinking that - just take a look at Nick and me - we're not exactly the poster people for "normal." We also know plenty of kids in schools who are weird. I'm not sure who gets to define "weird," but if we're weird -- then we're weird. I'm cool with that. I'd rather get to the end of my life and be able to tell God I did all that I could to serve him rather than telling him I only did what was comfortable because I was too busy worrying about what everyone else thought.

Galatians 1:10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

I also want to make it VERY clear that Nick and I are in total support of public and private schools. We both had great experiences growing up in school. We both LOVE teachers. We have many teacher friends and we think they are phenomenal (underpaid and overworked, but phenomenal!) We are so thankful we have a public education system in place and can't imagine what this country would be like without it. We very much understand that God has a plan for each family and each person and while this is what He has called us to do, it isn't what he has called everyone to do - and that's okay. More than likely our children will attend public schools at some point. Maybe not next year but in the future in some realm, they will be a part of the public school system.. and we're cool with that. I'm not going to share our reasons for homeschooling here because that is not really the point of this post, but I am more than willing to share with anyone who wants to have a personal conversation about it.

So this past weekend Nick and I headed to Iowa City for a 3-day conference. We had NO idea what to expect. We thought we'd probably be completely overwhelmed. I figured I'd walk away deciding that homeschooling was, indeed, the worst idea ever and that God would just have to deal with that. ;) That wasn't what happened at all though. We left so filled with encouragement and an even stronger desire to follow God's calling for our family. All of the presenters prayed with and for us and were real and honest about the joys and struggles (and there will be many!) of walking this journey. I felt like I was just in the right place. I was surrounded by others who had also been called to the same thing. We laughed a lot, we cried a little, and we grew closer together. We had 10 hours in the car to really dig in to our reasons for homeschooling, coming up with a vision for what we pray God will do through us and our family, and talking honestly about how hard - really hard - this is all going to be. We vowed to take it day by day letting God lead us. I don't know if we'll home school for one day or six months or two years or forever, but I am so thankful we've come to this decision because I know I would not have been at peace this Fall sending him to school.

Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

In one of the workshops, the speaker made a few points that REALLY hit home with me -- It was how to raise Kingdom-minded kids. She said that obedience is paramount - Showing your children that you are committed to walk by faith and follow God even when it's hard and doesn't make sense. Another point was that perseverance pays off - God delights in calling us to things that seem inhumanly possible so that we seek him more. No, I don't know how to add 2+2 without a calculator. I don't even know what physiology means. I put commas in all the wrong places, and if you ask me to underline a prepositional phrase I'll probably just do a little doodle on the whole paper... so that might scare all you skeptics a little, but it doesn't scare God. He didn't choose me despite my flaws and sins, he chose me BECAUSE of them!

I don't really have a good conclusion to this - just that I pray you will feel encouraged to step out where God is commanding you to take a step. That you will prayerfully make decisions and not just go with the crowd because it is the way it's always been or the popular thing to do. Sometimes trusting God isn't cozy. Sometimes it isn't even what you want to do, but sometimes it's what is right. I pray that you will focus less on fitting in and more on shining your light for Jesus. And if you feel led, that you would pray for us as we step into this adventure without a clue as to what we're getting into. We are officially homeschoolers!!

P.S. This song has been on repeat all year long .. so if you are in a spot where you are having difficulty taking that step forward in obedience, you should probably listen to it as well. ;) Walk on Waves

Grumbling to Gratitude

I'm sitting her in my pajamas on my comfy couch breathing in the delicious smell of cinnamon apples baking in the oven.. I cannot wait to cover them with some ice cream and enjoy every last bite.

I never look forward to Nick travelling. In fact, I usually become a big baby and complain about it for weeks leading up to it and then the whole time he's gone. Then for at least a week after he returns, I make sure he knows how miserable it was without him. Midweek I usually have a little pity party, eat a 1/2 carton of ice cream, and text him about how unfair this is. I sometimes start to feel bitter toward him and his paid vacation. Basically, I just turn it into something so miserable.

But..

Not this time. Not. this. time.

Here's the thing - Nick's job allows me to stay home with my babies every single day. There is nothing I treasure more than this. His job puts food on our table. It heats our home. It is the reason our house is filled with more things than a person should ever have or need. And sometimes - maybe more often than I like - it requires us to be countries apart. This isn't going to change, and I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful because as long as Nick is still travelling, I know that this life that I am so incredibly grateful for is pretty secure (God willing!) 

Before he leaves, I pray for two things.
1. Please keep Nick safe and return him home to me in one piece.
2. Please help me survive.
 End of story.

This time I prayed for more - I prayed that we would do more than just survive. That we would enjoy this week apart, and that we would both bless others and be blessed. I genuinely hope that Nick is enjoying his trip, and that he returns rested and refreshed (because I'm going to the Bahamas next week so he better be ready.. just kidding!) We sure miss him, and I don't love that he's gone - how could I when he's the most helpful husband ever? I'm operating on little sleep and a migraine, but I'm definitely not over here sulking in the corner. I am about to consume some delicious ice cream, but it is NOT because I'm an emotional wreck. It's just because my dad's girlfriend introduced me to the amazingness that is baked apples, and I couldn't resist. 

In fact, this week I am so grateful. Grateful for moments I would have handed off to Nick, middle of the night feedings to bond with my sweet girl that wouldn't have occurred if daddy was here to offer a hug and a binky, an hour long phone call with my oldest brother that I never take time to make (and a clean bathroom because of it - multi-tasking for the win), the cleanest house I've seen in a long time (so everyone I know should come over in the next 5 minutes), and opportunities to remember just how valuable Nick is to this family. I've even enjoyed all the added household responsibilities because I know they have a purpose. I have been so intentional this week. I've made sure meals were prepared ahead of time and we've eaten so healthy. I've napped when I needed to nap. I've freed up our schedule so that my obligations were few. And I've asked for help when help was needed. 

And my kids? They TOTALLY picked up on this. They were the sweetest, most helpful little tiny humans they could possibly be. My heart has been exploding all week long. Trice has stepped up to help me in any way possible, and I'm so proud knowing that he learned by the example of his father.

We've just really had a pretty great week.

If you can't change your circumstances, change your attitude. When you start to complain, give thanks. In doing so, God might even change your heart and all of a sudden those circumstances that seem so terrible will be seen for what they truly are - a blessing.

#itsalmostfriday