Death without a Funeral

The last few years of my life have been filled with an incredible amount of grief and loss - so much that one would wonder how I keep going with a smile on my face. To be honest, there are days I haven't felt like I COULD keep going. There have been days heartache and tears have won, but through it all - I have never doubted His plan or love for me. 

At a Jason Gray concert this summer, I heard a song that described these losses perfectly -- it is called "Death without a funeral" and you should listen to it. 

"When there's nothing we can bury in the dirt
No place to lay the memory of all the things that were

No way to feel the closure, no ending to the hurt

It's a death without a funeral."
Jason Gray, Death Without a Funeral

There was no funeral when I lost family member after family member to divorce. There were no heartfelt sympathies sent my way when I finally had that best adult friend I had longed for my entire life only for her to move away and for us to slowly drift apart. There was no goodbye when I watched someone I love dearly be captured by addiction. There was no sorrowful music when my mother walked out the door and out of my life for a few years. 

I would never downplay the finality of death. These "deaths" I have experienced can't compare to the pain and suffering of losing someone completely - as in no way of ever spending time on Earth with them again. All of these people are still here; they just aren't with me. I can watch their lives continue on, but I won't be a part of them. In some of these cases, I am still a part of their lives but the relationship I have with them has been changed forever. 

..there's no healing without grieving..

I've had my share of funerals over the past few years - some that were hard, very hard. Some that brought peace because suffering had ended or their "time" seemed to fit in with the cycle of life. Knowing that those who have left this Earth are safe in our Savior's arm is the hope I cling to on the days I miss them so much the tears won't stop falling. 

But the "deaths" that have been the hardest are truly those that came with no sympathy cards, no meals at my door, no prayers and well wishes, and no goodbyes. Those are the deaths that force me to make a choice each morning - to choose to continue breathing without people I love. But more importantly, those are the "deaths" that constantly remind me of my Savior's love - and that He is truly he only one who will never leave or forsake me. He will be with me now and forever - long after all the things of this Earth of gone. My family and my friends may not stick around - but He will be with me for all time. People around me will make poor choices - but I wont carry the burden. My heart will ache, and I will long for the relationships that were so near and dear to me - but I wont be so caught up in the "what might have beens" that I fail to see the glory of what is.

...when you see me, I'm still breathing - though a million things have died inside of me.. 

So while I continue to grieve the loss of several loved ones who remain on this Earth, I look forward to an eternity in Heaven where there are no tears, no pain, no suffering - where I can wake each day and not feel the loss of those I love dearly and where I pray each missed moment and memory we didn't get to make will seem like so insignificant compared to the beauty of